Lesson learned due to the fragments of my heart

I wake up more or less everyday and I feel happy to be here. Even after the hard days, I look forward to going to the shelter and taking another stab at one of my english lessons and just fooling around with the boys. No matter how chaotic the kids, activity or homework room are, I still get butterflies of anxiousness on the bus on the way to Manos, to see the brilliant smiles and recieve the small hugs from the kids. And after even the longest and worst of days, I yearn to get home and just sit and decompress with the families across the street. I truly am in love with everything that I do here. This scares me. It scares me because the reality is I am not going to be here forever. I only have about 3 months left here and I truly worry that I will not fall in love with something the same way I have fallen in love with my mission, my work, with this country and its people.

Yet there is one thing that has been consistent for me bother here and at home--Education, the doors it can open, and the true strength, power and potential of children and youth. Both here and in my time in Chicago, I can see how much the care, effort and encouragement of a teacher or a mentor can motivate and change the life of one person. How even the very basic access to education can pave a path into a great future--if someone is there to tell these young kids that they can do it, they they deserve more, that they are special. They need to be guided to continue to study, learn and find a way to better their circumstances. When kids are in situations where all they know is the norm--such as not finishing high school, or simlpy taking on a woman´s role in the house, it is near impossible for them to beat the odds and step out of the status qup of their realities--yet when they have someone to remind them, push them and open their eyes to their own greatness, they may take that leap of faith. Break that mold. Open themselves to more opportunities by educating themselves. And although my heart truly is fragmented after my experiences here, my passion for education has noe become my responsibility--no matter where I am.

For the past 9 months I have been able to fight to be that positive force in the lives of these impressionable young kids and teenagers...and I need to let go and realize that I cant be here forever, but through this program, more volunteers will come and be yet another positive presence for them. ...and realize that there are other kids back at home, who are just as valuable and worthy of my love, support and motivation. Kids who need that same teacher or mentor to open their eyes to education and their own power to learn, move forward and make a life for themselves that is worth living. Children, teenagers--all young peopel---they hod the true key to the door of our world´s future.

No words

I feel so sad. So sad that someone can actively make decisions that they know could be harmful to themselves simply because they do not see their own worth....and truly do not think anyone will care about their negative actions, never mind their absence. There is a young man at the shelter who is a volunteer and I truly love him with every ounce of my being. He is 20 and has been handed a shitty deck of cards. I could laundry list the things he has encountered..the negative experiences in his life...which is why I was so drawn to him from the beginning. We connected right away. yes, he was insane...walking around the shelter with machetes ( that the kids use to cut the grass and weeds) with his bug eyes and sly smile scaring them into doing their chores...but there was something terribly endearing about him. He usually sits and just makes fun of me...my gringa accent, my hair....you name it, he laughs at it. He is actually kind of mean...but sometimes I catch his shy grin or see his eye sparkle in the sunlight, and I have always known there was something there... something incredibly good deep down inside him.

Over the passed 8 months we have gotten really close. Our conversations are often intense and sometimes scare me...and he often goes weeks or months without talking to me, usually because he doesn't want to hear or accept the things that I have to say. Every conversation with him t hough breaks my heart. Here is this young man who has overcome so much, and has such a future ahead of him, but he doesn´t see it. He is extremely personable...he can make almost anyone laugh..his insight is incredible, he is so aware of his surroundings an can read people and situations so well...he always truly knows what is going on. Not to mention how incredibly bright he is....I could go on forever about him. He truly impresses me and this is why these conversations continually break my heart. He is often in over his head with gangs, revenge etc and every time we talk he completely disregards the value of his own life. He doesn´t realize his potential. He doesn´t see all the good he has inside of him...and the few times I pushed him and he began to see it, he got scared and ran...figuratively that is.

This month a big issue arose and he had to make a decision whether or not give into outside forces, which revolve around drugs and violence, or to continue volunteering at the shelter, continue studying, continue to fight to become the wonderful man I know he can be ( and that he deep down inside knows that he is). We talked and in these conversations I saw a gentle side to him...a broken boy who for a mere few minutes was able to tell me what he was good at, what his talents were...how smart he knew he was. Yet after these successes and realizations, he quickly hardened and told me his reality, ¨If I leave, no one will look for me.¨I told him how important he was to others, how we would be sad if anything were to happen to him. It seemed like for one of the first times he was getting somewhere--our conversation led to a genuine smile that spread across his faces--small wrinkles around his hard dark eyes--I thought I had convinced him to do the right thing. Then, I showed up the next morning and his was gone....left. This hit me like a ton of bricks. The sadness I feel is overpowering--because this action told me that he still does not value his own life and his own potential. He is still too scared to become someone great--and I hurt because I know its the truth and I cannot stop his own pain and bring him to the realization that he is amazing. That he deserves everything in this world. He will need to come to that conclusion on his own...I just so badly want that for him.

Yet I have hope. I have hope that he will get there. The reality is I have no idea where he is, what he is doing, if he is okay...if he will come back. He made his decision. I now need to let go, as much as it hurts. But there is something about this kid that will stay with me forever. He is someone who I know I will always love and always believe in...his presence and our conversations screamed success, talent potential...and these are things that I know will not leave him. I just pray that one day it will not just be other people who see this qualities in him, but he himself...and that he will take it and run with it...chase after his dreams and find what makes him happy.

Impressions on the heart

The kids here never cease to impress me. I mean, of course kids will be kids...they can do things and make decisions that make me want to scream...but their genuine grace in accepting their responsibilites and circumstances awes me--especially because so many of them take on what my eyes see as adult roles as such young ages. I have been seeing this throughout my experience in many different ways and while I admire these kids due to this, it also scares the crap out of me--especially with the young girls.

I often walk around 28 de Agosoto before program and on the weekends and am completely overwhelmed. I see Valeria (13) or Sydney (16) doing laundry or holding the hand of their 2 year old sister while she tries to walk with a baby bottle stuck under their arms. I see Vanessa (11) with bags under her eyes as she shadows her 1 1/2 year old sister in the middle of the street--while her mom washes all the families clothes. I see Julissa (9) with her big brown eyes shining as she dresses her 4 year old sister Maryuri. I see Carolina (9) cooking what little food is left in the house. Not to mention Mafer (17) who sits and breast feeds her 4 month old baby. The list can go on...and that is just in one neighborhood. I see the same thing here in my own neighborhood Antonio Jose de Sucre. Everyday I am awed yet pained as I watch one of my closest friends, Stefanie (13) who recently lost her mother. She is up each morning playing the role of mom while her Grandmother heads out to work. She cooks, cleans--does what needs to be done for her 4 brothers and baby sister. She is the main caregiver to her 10 month old sister--which she does with a tremendous amount of care and gentleness...and after a full days work in her home, she studies at night school from 7 to 10pm. With all of these younger girls, I cannot think of a time when I have heard them complain. While I often can see the yearning to be free..to be the kids that they are, they know they need to help. And they have so much genuine love for their families.

Even on days when these young girls can be free of responsibility for 2 hours at our after school programs, I see how they still watch over their siblings and the young children with such caring gentle eyes. This whole idea really does floor me. They are such beautiful, amazing young girls who ahave ALL the potential in the world. Yet I am scared for them. I often think about what their lives will be like when I come back for a visit in 5, 6 or 7 years. I hate to even say it, but I worry these girls will wake up one day in the same house, in the same neighborhood, doing these same tasks only for children of their own. I want to protect them but I do not know how. Yet it is not one persons fault--it is this cycle of poverty that limits these young girls and women. It is their role in this country and in this culture.

I get angry becuase it is not fair. Not fair that they do not have the opportunity to fall in love with something. To truly find a passion and make a life out of it. These girls have left an impression on me that will never go away. Their sparkling eyes, tired faces and brilliant smiles will forever remind me of how I need to keep fighting for them. It will remind me of how fortunate I truly am to have grown up female in a country where I do not need to take on a specific role--but where women can truly try to be whatever they want to be..without some of these limits that I see in my experience here each and every day.

March 24, 2011--Friendships

When else will I genuinely be able to say that some of my best friends range between the ages of 6 and 17? I recently have been thinking about how I spend my time here, and how different my relationships look comparatively to my life back at home. Hands down, my best friend here is a coworker of mine who I have written about before Wacho---but he is 21 and that is normal--nothing out of the regular friendships I have at home. Yet everyday I come home and find myself genuinely excited to play and share in my day with the kids across the street...Stefanie (13), Evelyn ( 11), Luis (10) and David (6). They have become so important to me. Yet when I go back home, will I befriend and play with the kids who live across the street from my house? Probably nott--there are limits and realities to playing and spending too much time with young kids in the states. Its not normal for a 22 year old girl to spend 2 hours with 10 and 6 year old boys. Not to mention, aside from those kids, I talk to Danny (19), Danny (14) and Henry (17) almost everyday. They are young boys who I truly confide in. Especially Danny---we know so much about each other--our lives, our dreams..what we love..what we hate. I cherish our conversations. Here it is okay--everyone is on a level playing field in terms of friendships. Yet at home, a 22 year old confiding in a high schooler would be seen as inappropriate. Today is another perfect example----I went to a pool with 4 boys between the ages of 14 and 16. We had a blast---such genuine fun..but such great conversations and incredible insight to the lives they lead..and how they are still normal teenage boys, yet they are boys who are amazing and thoughtful....then nevermind my friendship with Hamilton ( my brother here)..He is someone I will miss the most...and I know I will never have this freedom again. The freedom to just be and build relationships without having to think about age, contact, where and when. Life here just is. I love that. But what does this all mean? This experience has truly allowed me to see who and what is in front of me. To look beyond age and see people for who they are. To listen. To talk. To share. It has truly opened my eyes to the true abilities of children and young people. I have learned more from them than from anyone else. I will go home and truly be aware of the voices, opinions and thoughts of youth. I realized how almost oppressed they can be--written off because of age or lack of experiece---yet here in Ecuador I was awakened--through my freiendshi`s with them--by their true intelligence and potential to be the lights in our world. If we separate children and youth from adults, I really do not know if we can make great changes--their innocense gives a different perspective. Their simle yet incredible observations need to be heard--I just wish that all adults--myself included--could always see that.

So while yes, I will go home and have limits or restrictions on relationships, it is my relationships, it is my friendships with young people here that will push me to see out kids in the United States and let them know their voices, opinions and ideas are valued. That they are being heard. The kids of Ecuador will be my motivation--I will carry my real and genuine friendships with these kids in my heart forever.

February 12, 2011--My Brother

In 28 de Agosot, I have become extremely close with the Olmedo family...I have written about how Maribel, the mother, is one of the strongest women I know. But it would not be fair if I didn´t talk about Hamilton...who calls me his sister. And to be honest....my true brother here in Ecuador. He is 16 and has taken on more responsibilities than I have even known at 22. He is the caregiver to his siblings ( he is the oldest of 7) and often takes on responsibilites of mom or dad as Maribel often has to take care of his brother Jonathon who had a traumatic brain injury in an acident last year. Yet Hamilton is full of smiles and hope. He studies hard and loves school...and he genuinely loves his family. I admire how positive he stays amidst so much hardship. Him and I talk almost everday, we have serious conversations, but we mostly just fool around---I very much see my presence in his life as one where he can be himself and let go of his responsibilities for a while, and the severity behind how desperate his home life so often is. All of this leads me to a huge realization I had revolving around him today.

God knows how much I love this kid--and today I truly realized how much he knows me. I was at Manos Abiertas and completely running out of patience---I was feeling frustrated for so many different reasons, and then Hamilton walked in with his usual crowd--Brian, Cristian, Lady and Sylvanna. Everyone said hi and kept walking--but Hamilton read my face--he put his arm around my should smiled and screamed ¨Mi nañaaaaaaa!!!¨which translates to ¨My sisterrrrr!!¨ And then asked, ¨todo bein?¨ everything ok?? I just laughed at his goofiness and yelled back ¨si!! todo bien brother¨---then this 16 year old kid hugged me and whispered, now thats the Jessie I know! ¨Eso es la Jessie quien yo si conozco¨ This small but extremely powerful moment made me realize how much these kids mean to me, and how I do not know what I would do without Hamilton. He truly knew me more than I ever thought and this was a validating moment where I realized how real my relationships are here. And how much love I am experiencing throughout my days.

February 11, 2011--Realization

How do you stay positive when so much that you do contradicts the culture and reality of where you are working and living? And how do you continue to remind yourself of all the good inside of people even after they do or say something completely dark or twisted? These are some of the questions I have been aksing myself recently. Things have been really hard at Manos Abiertas. I feel like I am constantly failing..even when I have days of success. We want to provide a safe educational space where we teach values--respect, responsibility, citizenship, trustworthiness, spirituality, kindness--yet these values are often not seen outside of program. We teach conflict resolutions--or we try to--yet the kids walk out the door and fighting is the only resolution. Not to mention so many of the kids are victims to violence or physical discipline at home. They correlate bad behavior with being hit. So at program, the kids often see consequences such as sitting out during recreo as ¨wins¨. They have the mentality that they can behave poorly at program and instead of getting hit, they just have to sit out or say they are sorry and talk with the others involved. That to them is a sucess. Yet for us, it can often be sad and defeating. Will they ever learn? Or will the cycle of their environment continue?

Two days ago at program, a 12 year old boy punched an 11 year old girl in the face. I immediately told him he had to go, we talked and he was suspended from program for a few days. As I sat and tried to console the young girl, a million things ran through my head. Number one, when I was that age, I knew fighting was not an answer--nevermind the fact that a man hitting a woman was one of the worst things that someone could do--yet the fact that the boy hit the girl did not seem to phase anyone--and that made me sick to my stomach.

As she sat and cried I asked her if she was crying because she was hurt, scared, nervous etc. She responded by telling me it was because she worried that her mom was going to hit her for what happened. I simply didn´t understand. I offered to talk to her mom--who I know well--and as we got up to go, her mom came storming into the school. She screamed about how this was why Jessica should not have come to Manos and how she will only learn by defending herself, so she had to go and fight back. Then she dragged her outside. I was devestated. She was being punished and told to fight back by her mom. It was a huge realization. These kids are being told contradictory things--its no wonder they are confused. But the truth is, their parents will win everytime. And the other truth is, their parents are often people who work hard for their children and have good hearts--but they too grew up learning hese same things--and while it is hard to bear witness to, I cannot judge. I do not know their experiences, realities, etc. All I can do is sit with my feelinfs of discouragement....and then wake up the ready to take my next ´¨jab¨ at instiling positive values, thoughts and actions in the lives of these children.

Jessie is a Madrina!!

Almost four weeks ago on a Friday night I had the baptism for Marco where I became a Gdmother! It was such a special night for me. In the typical Ecuadorian fashion, Wacho told me 2 weeks in advance that the Baptism would be on the 29 of January--the same weekend as ou non-negotiable Rostro retreat. So Wach simply laughed an tld me he would talk to Padre about changing the date...the next day, informed me that the Baptism would be the next day, Friday, at 7:00 pm at the other shelter. Then, he smiled, gave me a hug and left me to figure out the details---how to the shelter on time when I have program until 5....the shelter is an hour and a half away...and I can´t be on buses at night--WOOF! But, it all worked out--I left Manos early, went to Megans ( my boss) and she took me to the shelter. It was an awesome surprise to also find out that two boys from the Duran shelter, Luis and Angelo, were also going to be baptized. The whole night once again really made me realize how much I love this place. Jenn, Marita, Megan, Angelo, Oscar and I went tgether and we sang, laughed and talked in the car. It sounds so simple, but it was so special to me. I felt s comfortable. It was funny too because the Baptism started at 7:30 but once again, so Ecua, no one showed up until 7:30. Wacho and Carolina got there and Marco looked adorable. Throughout the mass I could not stop noticing Wacho´s interactions with Marco. He was so gentle and warm with his son. His eyes sparkled and were full of pride and love. He was totally outisde the element of work and the workshop---I found it so endearing to watch him on this important night with his son. You could tell during the 40 minute mass he was not thinking of his problems or realities--he was simply enjoying the love he had for his child. In seeing this and realizing this, I felt so honored. Honored that my friend, whom I have become so fond of, trusts me enough to play such an important role in his kids life. It was a really powerful realization. It truly solidified my de cision to take on the responsibility of being there for Marco and his parents the best way that I can--even if that means doing it from another country--which breaks my heart to even think about. But the amount of lve and joy that I encountered through this experience was so wonderful.
Aside from the honor of becoming a Madrina, watching Angelo and Luis receive th is sacrament was beautiful. The two young boys , in their nice, clean new clothes were so proud. They couldn´t wipe the smiles off their faces. This was so heartfelt be cause with the boys from the shelter, often even when they are happy, ou can see an inner pain in their eyes and on their faces--yet this night, their emotions were incredibly genuine . It made me near tears t see them so purely and truly content. That is all that I want for them--to be truly happy. We ended the night going to dinner. Megan, Jenn, Marita, Angelos, Oscar, Luis, Reinaldo, Padre Paco and I. It was fu ll of good company a nd laughter. All things that you could tell we all appreciated. Although the night as a whle was a big and important night for many, it was the small mments during it that will st ay in my heart and mind forever. I love these people and this place with all my heart.