No words

I feel so sad. So sad that someone can actively make decisions that they know could be harmful to themselves simply because they do not see their own worth....and truly do not think anyone will care about their negative actions, never mind their absence. There is a young man at the shelter who is a volunteer and I truly love him with every ounce of my being. He is 20 and has been handed a shitty deck of cards. I could laundry list the things he has encountered..the negative experiences in his life...which is why I was so drawn to him from the beginning. We connected right away. yes, he was insane...walking around the shelter with machetes ( that the kids use to cut the grass and weeds) with his bug eyes and sly smile scaring them into doing their chores...but there was something terribly endearing about him. He usually sits and just makes fun of me...my gringa accent, my hair....you name it, he laughs at it. He is actually kind of mean...but sometimes I catch his shy grin or see his eye sparkle in the sunlight, and I have always known there was something there... something incredibly good deep down inside him.

Over the passed 8 months we have gotten really close. Our conversations are often intense and sometimes scare me...and he often goes weeks or months without talking to me, usually because he doesn't want to hear or accept the things that I have to say. Every conversation with him t hough breaks my heart. Here is this young man who has overcome so much, and has such a future ahead of him, but he doesn´t see it. He is extremely personable...he can make almost anyone laugh..his insight is incredible, he is so aware of his surroundings an can read people and situations so well...he always truly knows what is going on. Not to mention how incredibly bright he is....I could go on forever about him. He truly impresses me and this is why these conversations continually break my heart. He is often in over his head with gangs, revenge etc and every time we talk he completely disregards the value of his own life. He doesn´t realize his potential. He doesn´t see all the good he has inside of him...and the few times I pushed him and he began to see it, he got scared and ran...figuratively that is.

This month a big issue arose and he had to make a decision whether or not give into outside forces, which revolve around drugs and violence, or to continue volunteering at the shelter, continue studying, continue to fight to become the wonderful man I know he can be ( and that he deep down inside knows that he is). We talked and in these conversations I saw a gentle side to him...a broken boy who for a mere few minutes was able to tell me what he was good at, what his talents were...how smart he knew he was. Yet after these successes and realizations, he quickly hardened and told me his reality, ¨If I leave, no one will look for me.¨I told him how important he was to others, how we would be sad if anything were to happen to him. It seemed like for one of the first times he was getting somewhere--our conversation led to a genuine smile that spread across his faces--small wrinkles around his hard dark eyes--I thought I had convinced him to do the right thing. Then, I showed up the next morning and his was gone....left. This hit me like a ton of bricks. The sadness I feel is overpowering--because this action told me that he still does not value his own life and his own potential. He is still too scared to become someone great--and I hurt because I know its the truth and I cannot stop his own pain and bring him to the realization that he is amazing. That he deserves everything in this world. He will need to come to that conclusion on his own...I just so badly want that for him.

Yet I have hope. I have hope that he will get there. The reality is I have no idea where he is, what he is doing, if he is okay...if he will come back. He made his decision. I now need to let go, as much as it hurts. But there is something about this kid that will stay with me forever. He is someone who I know I will always love and always believe in...his presence and our conversations screamed success, talent potential...and these are things that I know will not leave him. I just pray that one day it will not just be other people who see this qualities in him, but he himself...and that he will take it and run with it...chase after his dreams and find what makes him happy.

Impressions on the heart

The kids here never cease to impress me. I mean, of course kids will be kids...they can do things and make decisions that make me want to scream...but their genuine grace in accepting their responsibilites and circumstances awes me--especially because so many of them take on what my eyes see as adult roles as such young ages. I have been seeing this throughout my experience in many different ways and while I admire these kids due to this, it also scares the crap out of me--especially with the young girls.

I often walk around 28 de Agosoto before program and on the weekends and am completely overwhelmed. I see Valeria (13) or Sydney (16) doing laundry or holding the hand of their 2 year old sister while she tries to walk with a baby bottle stuck under their arms. I see Vanessa (11) with bags under her eyes as she shadows her 1 1/2 year old sister in the middle of the street--while her mom washes all the families clothes. I see Julissa (9) with her big brown eyes shining as she dresses her 4 year old sister Maryuri. I see Carolina (9) cooking what little food is left in the house. Not to mention Mafer (17) who sits and breast feeds her 4 month old baby. The list can go on...and that is just in one neighborhood. I see the same thing here in my own neighborhood Antonio Jose de Sucre. Everyday I am awed yet pained as I watch one of my closest friends, Stefanie (13) who recently lost her mother. She is up each morning playing the role of mom while her Grandmother heads out to work. She cooks, cleans--does what needs to be done for her 4 brothers and baby sister. She is the main caregiver to her 10 month old sister--which she does with a tremendous amount of care and gentleness...and after a full days work in her home, she studies at night school from 7 to 10pm. With all of these younger girls, I cannot think of a time when I have heard them complain. While I often can see the yearning to be free..to be the kids that they are, they know they need to help. And they have so much genuine love for their families.

Even on days when these young girls can be free of responsibility for 2 hours at our after school programs, I see how they still watch over their siblings and the young children with such caring gentle eyes. This whole idea really does floor me. They are such beautiful, amazing young girls who ahave ALL the potential in the world. Yet I am scared for them. I often think about what their lives will be like when I come back for a visit in 5, 6 or 7 years. I hate to even say it, but I worry these girls will wake up one day in the same house, in the same neighborhood, doing these same tasks only for children of their own. I want to protect them but I do not know how. Yet it is not one persons fault--it is this cycle of poverty that limits these young girls and women. It is their role in this country and in this culture.

I get angry becuase it is not fair. Not fair that they do not have the opportunity to fall in love with something. To truly find a passion and make a life out of it. These girls have left an impression on me that will never go away. Their sparkling eyes, tired faces and brilliant smiles will forever remind me of how I need to keep fighting for them. It will remind me of how fortunate I truly am to have grown up female in a country where I do not need to take on a specific role--but where women can truly try to be whatever they want to be..without some of these limits that I see in my experience here each and every day.