February 11, 2011--Realization

How do you stay positive when so much that you do contradicts the culture and reality of where you are working and living? And how do you continue to remind yourself of all the good inside of people even after they do or say something completely dark or twisted? These are some of the questions I have been aksing myself recently. Things have been really hard at Manos Abiertas. I feel like I am constantly failing..even when I have days of success. We want to provide a safe educational space where we teach values--respect, responsibility, citizenship, trustworthiness, spirituality, kindness--yet these values are often not seen outside of program. We teach conflict resolutions--or we try to--yet the kids walk out the door and fighting is the only resolution. Not to mention so many of the kids are victims to violence or physical discipline at home. They correlate bad behavior with being hit. So at program, the kids often see consequences such as sitting out during recreo as ¨wins¨. They have the mentality that they can behave poorly at program and instead of getting hit, they just have to sit out or say they are sorry and talk with the others involved. That to them is a sucess. Yet for us, it can often be sad and defeating. Will they ever learn? Or will the cycle of their environment continue?

Two days ago at program, a 12 year old boy punched an 11 year old girl in the face. I immediately told him he had to go, we talked and he was suspended from program for a few days. As I sat and tried to console the young girl, a million things ran through my head. Number one, when I was that age, I knew fighting was not an answer--nevermind the fact that a man hitting a woman was one of the worst things that someone could do--yet the fact that the boy hit the girl did not seem to phase anyone--and that made me sick to my stomach.

As she sat and cried I asked her if she was crying because she was hurt, scared, nervous etc. She responded by telling me it was because she worried that her mom was going to hit her for what happened. I simply didn´t understand. I offered to talk to her mom--who I know well--and as we got up to go, her mom came storming into the school. She screamed about how this was why Jessica should not have come to Manos and how she will only learn by defending herself, so she had to go and fight back. Then she dragged her outside. I was devestated. She was being punished and told to fight back by her mom. It was a huge realization. These kids are being told contradictory things--its no wonder they are confused. But the truth is, their parents will win everytime. And the other truth is, their parents are often people who work hard for their children and have good hearts--but they too grew up learning hese same things--and while it is hard to bear witness to, I cannot judge. I do not know their experiences, realities, etc. All I can do is sit with my feelinfs of discouragement....and then wake up the ready to take my next ´¨jab¨ at instiling positive values, thoughts and actions in the lives of these children.