No words

I feel so sad. So sad that someone can actively make decisions that they know could be harmful to themselves simply because they do not see their own worth....and truly do not think anyone will care about their negative actions, never mind their absence. There is a young man at the shelter who is a volunteer and I truly love him with every ounce of my being. He is 20 and has been handed a shitty deck of cards. I could laundry list the things he has encountered..the negative experiences in his life...which is why I was so drawn to him from the beginning. We connected right away. yes, he was insane...walking around the shelter with machetes ( that the kids use to cut the grass and weeds) with his bug eyes and sly smile scaring them into doing their chores...but there was something terribly endearing about him. He usually sits and just makes fun of me...my gringa accent, my hair....you name it, he laughs at it. He is actually kind of mean...but sometimes I catch his shy grin or see his eye sparkle in the sunlight, and I have always known there was something there... something incredibly good deep down inside him.

Over the passed 8 months we have gotten really close. Our conversations are often intense and sometimes scare me...and he often goes weeks or months without talking to me, usually because he doesn't want to hear or accept the things that I have to say. Every conversation with him t hough breaks my heart. Here is this young man who has overcome so much, and has such a future ahead of him, but he doesn´t see it. He is extremely personable...he can make almost anyone laugh..his insight is incredible, he is so aware of his surroundings an can read people and situations so well...he always truly knows what is going on. Not to mention how incredibly bright he is....I could go on forever about him. He truly impresses me and this is why these conversations continually break my heart. He is often in over his head with gangs, revenge etc and every time we talk he completely disregards the value of his own life. He doesn´t realize his potential. He doesn´t see all the good he has inside of him...and the few times I pushed him and he began to see it, he got scared and ran...figuratively that is.

This month a big issue arose and he had to make a decision whether or not give into outside forces, which revolve around drugs and violence, or to continue volunteering at the shelter, continue studying, continue to fight to become the wonderful man I know he can be ( and that he deep down inside knows that he is). We talked and in these conversations I saw a gentle side to him...a broken boy who for a mere few minutes was able to tell me what he was good at, what his talents were...how smart he knew he was. Yet after these successes and realizations, he quickly hardened and told me his reality, ¨If I leave, no one will look for me.¨I told him how important he was to others, how we would be sad if anything were to happen to him. It seemed like for one of the first times he was getting somewhere--our conversation led to a genuine smile that spread across his faces--small wrinkles around his hard dark eyes--I thought I had convinced him to do the right thing. Then, I showed up the next morning and his was gone....left. This hit me like a ton of bricks. The sadness I feel is overpowering--because this action told me that he still does not value his own life and his own potential. He is still too scared to become someone great--and I hurt because I know its the truth and I cannot stop his own pain and bring him to the realization that he is amazing. That he deserves everything in this world. He will need to come to that conclusion on his own...I just so badly want that for him.

Yet I have hope. I have hope that he will get there. The reality is I have no idea where he is, what he is doing, if he is okay...if he will come back. He made his decision. I now need to let go, as much as it hurts. But there is something about this kid that will stay with me forever. He is someone who I know I will always love and always believe in...his presence and our conversations screamed success, talent potential...and these are things that I know will not leave him. I just pray that one day it will not just be other people who see this qualities in him, but he himself...and that he will take it and run with it...chase after his dreams and find what makes him happy.