Helpless. The past few days I have truly felt a bit helpless...not in the sense that I am not doing anything, but in the sense that I canot change the experiences and struggles of the people here. I am having a hard time with simply listening---and I know its extremely important..I don´t undermine the power of a listening ear..but its more the äfter-the-fact¨processing that is hard, simply because I don´t usually come to a solution on how I can help the person at hand.
A boy at the shelter and I had an awesome conversation this week--I saw him for who he really was and found a greater appreciation for him. He shared with me about his family, in whom he barely knows and how time passing had simply made it hard to try and reconnect. He spoke on his life on the street before the shelter--his experiences with drugs and gang life...and a small glimpse of his outlook on religion...yet at the end he simply put his head down and cried and asked to be alone. My heart broke at the sight of his sadness--I truly was at a loss of what to do...not to mention his state of vulnerability then led to him not speaking to me--which I had to accept--no matter how much I wanted to help him and hug him. Helplessness filled my heart because the reality is I cannot change what happened to him. All I can offer is the genuine love and care of a friendship.
This feeling resonated with another friend at the shelter who I work with---he is easily one of my favorite people in Ecuador--and he is clealy a bit lost in the midst of the reality of his life, but I learned how grounded he was in his faith. He realizes that God cannt be to blame fr the things gone awry in our lives--which was inspiring to hear from a guy who at my age has gone through hell, yet wears a smile each day. He shared with me the challenges he faces at home. His wife is in bad health after her pregnancy, the baby is sick, and he barely ate the entire weekend. The baby cant go to the doctor because they cannot afford it, his wife is stressed and he takes the weight of it all. I hear these things and I truly do not know what to do. I do not understand why such innocent people suffer...and they suffer frm things that are truly systemic...things I cannot change. Yet again, I can only ffer y listening ear, wrkds of support, a smile and a hug. While I know how meaningful they are to him, it is the processing and recgnition of realitis that makes things so incredibly hard.
Some days kids just do not want to talk--or they don´t want t be bthered--and on those days, I feel th emost helpless be cause on those days the best thing I can do it be around in case they change their mind---otherwise what the kids need is to be left alone. As a person who is extrverted and grounded in relationships and physical validation, this is extremely hard. I Cannt even give the the gift f listening because soetimes, they simply need to be alone in their own thoughts. My heart hurts the most when a kid is clearly struggling and their first instinct is to push me away. Although I know it is not about me, it is another reminder of an inability to truly do anything for them. But then again, it is a reoccuring theme and maybe that means something...
¨We come not to do, but to be¨- Rostro de Cristo 2006 -- This quote, which describes part of our mission in a prayer truly is a reminder that my helplessness is okay-be cause I did not come to change anything in specific, but I came to be...to learn...to walk with my human family. What I choose to do after with the knowledge and experience I am gaining will be a way fo me to perhaps advocate ore for my family and loved ones here.
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