Suffering of the Innocent

In being here there have been countless experiences and interactions that have made me sit in a pool of uneasiness because I hate how innocent people suffer. I often think of how it truly is a game of chance--this could easily be me...but it´s not. My heart breaks when I see the true struggles of my friends and family here, and how they truly are not at fault for their circumstances...and I especially feel that way about the kids.

Everyday I go to Manos and I can more or less rely on the fact that at least 2, if not all 4 of Ricardo, Vicente, Marjorie and Julissa will be there. They are 4 kids who have no guidance. Who clearly struggle in school. Who´s father barely notices them. One of the only interactions I have ever seen is when he comes to drop off the 4 year old, Marjorie at the door of Manos. I spend all day in 28 de Agosto on some Saturdays and he won´t utter a world to them. But Why? These kids are not the root of his problems. With that said, I also am compassionate towards him. He, just like his children, does not have much of a say in the life that he leads. He is a single father who has struggles that I cannot even imagine, and I have no idea what his life is truly like. I cannot judge him as much as it makes me fall apart to watch his kids, who yes are happy young kids, struggle to get their basic needs met.

Ricardo at times is one of our biggest behavior issues, yet I have to remember his circumstances. One day I held him behind to talk about his bahavior, and he laid on the cement stair, hid his face, and then told me about how much he didn´t want to go home. How his Dad didn´t love him...how he hadn´t ate that day---etc. And this information, which I had been guessing for a while now became real--and it broke me to pieces. he should not be dealing with this at such a young age. It is not his fault, but its his reality. How can I sit here and fully feel adequate when there are so many things that these kids need? That their families need? They are so innocent yet lack so much. Sometimes I find it hard to pray to God when I don´t understand how this can be the truth and reality of the peoples lives here....yet at the same time I feel such a powerful sense of love here--amidst all of these inhumane or unjust realities. The only answer I have come to is that I need to keep working and being with the kids and people here in Ecuador.

The good and bad of advocating...

One of my favorite students showed up at the shelter last week and it was a really special day. He was asked to leave the shelter, so he had not been there in 2 months, but he came to talk about the circumstances of him returning. (Over the past two months, I was only able to spend time with him here and there on Saturdays when he would come for the Saturday afternoon programming at the other shelter about an hour away from where I live in Duran.) I sat in the office as Padre, who runs the shelter, and the social worker, sternly talked about how he could not be lazy. How he needed to change. How this was his last chance. The social worker told him he needed to go talk to his sister-in-law to find out if we could have a meeting to discuss the possibility of him living with her---and he needed to this all that day. The meeting was harsh, but I guess realistic...Daniel does need to get his act together and take responsibility for his life, but it still breaks my heart to hear people talk down to him and to see his smiling defense that covers up the true pain he feels--and his inability to truly believe in himself.

I knew he was nervous about going to talk to his sister in law, so i offered to go-he brushed me off and then quickly ran back asking if I would go with him. We left and things were normal--he was Daniel being Daniel--full of smiles and siniging...sheer rediculousness that makes him so wonderfully endearing. Yet as we got closer to the house I could see him physically tense up and he got more jittery--all of which he tried to mask through silliness--but I didnt let him know I knew. I asked if he was nervous and he told me he had never been nervous in his entire life, then looked away... he proceeded to look out the window and squeese my hand. Without saying anything, I knew how grateful he was for the company...and I realized how special this incredibly complex, closed off, yet openly loving young boy meant to me. For the first time I truly felt how much trust he had in me, and that was so powerful. I was finally able to advocate for him, and maybe actually DO something for him through this advocacy.

As we got there he got quiet and asked if I would do the talking, so of course I did. I explained the situation, the agreement padre made. Daniel´s need for a place to live in order to be an external student. The true NEED for him to have a more stable and healthy environment to live in. The sister-in-law talked a lot--she told me how she care for him but how he is a free spirit--how he hates rules and loves the street...yet also recognized how hard his life has been, how many negative experiences he has had...how she understands. It was really hard to hear her talk to me as though he was not in the room--she described how smart she knows he is, but how his his lack of confidence was ruining him...she couldnt believe that he was actively making the decision to go back and continue studying. She seemed almost surprised that I was so willing to walk and be with him...to help him actually get back in--so willing to have hope and believe in him.

By the end things were calm and light hearted...she agreed to meet with the social worker the next day. Daniel left with a huge smile on his face. As we left in his looked at me, with his shit eating grin and in his broken english said, ¨thank you teacher¨...he was playful as always but extremely genuine. I am so grateful for our relationship and I hope he knows how much I love him and truly believe in his ability to succeed.

OKAY...so with all that said, it wouldnt be right if I didn´t tell you the horror side of this advocacy story! So that day was great and I felt so proud and excited that I was actually able to be more than just a presence for someone....I was able to number one hold a long and serious conversation in spanish, and give another much needed opportunity to a kid that means the world to me. But, the reality of getting to know the kids is that once they become vulnerable to you, you have to experience the wrath of their negative behavior and disrespect. They are not used to letting people in, never mind truly being loved and so for many of them their first instinct is to run away. My first day back at class with Daniel was a nightmare. He hadn´t been there for two months..and during that time I won the respect of my class who now did all of their work, barely talked back to me and seemed to actually enjoy english....so needless to say it was a big surprise to come back and see that things had drastically changed. He immediately began acting out, distracting the other kids, being inappropriate. I fell apart on the inside...I was able to keep teaching and ignore him, but the other kids strguggled not to react to him---he is a powerful force of peer presssure. I left class angry and hurt as I wondered how I could have ¨done so much¨ for this kid and have him come back behaving in the exact manor that could get him quicked out once again. I had to take a step back, breathe and remember that this experience is not about me. I reflected on his behavior and since then have had multiple talks with him. With each one the behavior has slowly improved, but the reality is I cannot force him to change. I can only hope that my persistence with him, and ability to be real with him will help him to make the change that he needs to make. He truly is a good boy with so much potential. My goal is to help him realize that, small steps at a time.

The Strongest Woman I know..

Maribel....she has slowly becoe someone whom I love so much. She is one of the strongest women I know. 7 kids..ne who is special needs and another who is rehabilitating from a serious accident...a husband who is seemingly absent... no money...the list can go on. Yet her faith brings her great hope and peace. Life throws her challenges, but she wears a smile and fights for her kids. I truly admire her. She is one of the most hospitable people I have encuntered...and I don´t simply mean that she invites me into her house, which I LOVE...she invites me into her life--with an open heart and open hands. She literally shares everything with me, and while it often breaks y heart, her openess brings me life and warmth. In all of the darkness that sometimes is her life, she brings me so much light. She doesnt question while I am here. She welcomes it. She knew little about me, but has had me in her home near everyday since I have been here. Her kids mean the world to me--and even though her son who is also in y class at the shelter is not speakin to me--I feel an overpowering sense of genuine love for them..and desire for them to have a better life.

Although Maribel has no real power over her current lifestyle, her willingness to make her kids happy is mind blowing. She has been fighting for months now to get her son Jonathon, who was more or less declared brain dead,..up, moving and talking. She has spent so much money, time ( someties at the expense of the others), emotions...and he is now physically responding. He can walk with help, sit up on his own, shake his head for yes or no...give thumbs up or thumbs down--the change I have seen in him has been truly amazing, and she deserves all the credit. Her strength and hope got hi here and I truly do not doubt that he will cotinue to recover. The way she talks about her kids lets me know tha they are what she is living for. She is so real with them and puts so much responsibility on the but it is all out of love and I th ink they realize that.

I did not realize how much I loved Maribel until re cently when she invited me to go with her to her church. ( She´s evangelical) Yes, it was uncofortable, but it made me realize how open she was to her own vulnerability...and hw she shared in that with me. Through her invitations--inviation to get t know her kids--invitation to come sit on her floor or eat a meal--invitations to simply talk. These invitations are the definition of hospitality. The Cortez family is my family here. All I want is a life full of happiness for them. I hope God answers their prayers.

Reflections Before Christmas

Christmas is in just three days and I cannot help but feel homesick. My whole life Christmas for me was the unity of my family.....a holiday of being together. Yes, presents were clearly a huge part of the day...physically...but it was and is the time spent together that was truly the highlight. I recently wrote a letter to my family, and I talked about the idea of accompaniment. This idea of accompanying others. When I thikn about the story of Christmas, this word and idea also comes to mind. Joseph accompanying Mary....people coming from all over to see this new baby and accompany these people...and then of course Jesus...he spent his life accompanying others and walking with others....especially the poor. I think this experience here in Ecuador has brought me to a realization that I do believe and truly am living out my faith...through accompaniment. My family and friends are living this out through accompanying me. Its this comfort in knowing that you are walking with others...and others are walking with you. We are truly never alone.

Reflection on accompaniment

Daniella--12 years old--28 de Agosto

About 5 days ag, I sat outside of Jessica, Raul and Danielles house as Daniella handwashed her families clohes. I didn´t actually do antying--I sat on a dirt mound and talked. We also didn´t talk about anything all that serious either. She told me about her best friends...about her lder sisters in whom I knew othing about...but all of this ¨nothingness¨ drew us closer together. The time passed quickly and I could tell she appreciated y company the same way that I appreciated hers. This tgetherness is the spirit of Christas that I feel with my own family....which is a gentle reinder that even in their absence, I am okay. I am loving others and being loved by my faily here. It is such a beautiful thing.

Aside from all that, just watching and being with Daniella brought us closer. I learned so much from her in this small moment. When I was 12, my mom did my laundry for me...nevermind handwashing my own clothes...or the clthes of my brothers! It was anther glimpse int the realities and responsibilities of the kids here...and it made me grateful for the life I was given and the things that my parents did for me so that I could have more time to spend being a kid...but it also gave me a lot more respect for the kids whom i love unconditionally here. If only they knew hw much they are teaching me as we accompany one another. I am forever thankful to Danielle for these small learning moments.

Happy Birthday Tita

I had the biggest moment of jy and connection today in 28 de agosot....after Manos we spontaneously went to Tita´s birthday party, which Luz ( Tierney) and I had planned on blowing off...and as we walked out Christian gently, but quite vividly reminded us that we had to go to the party. The second I was outside the house I immediately realized how important this community and big family meant to me. I was filled with warmth as I was welcomed and imediately behan dancing. Tita, wh is usually in rags for clothes, dirty, with her unbrushed hair--a tom boy to the T looked stunning. I could not help but think about how beautiful this 7 year old will be in 5 years as a young woman. Being in a different environment with all of y regular Manos kids was so special---Christian, Coria, Jaun Carlos, Arelis, Tita, Augustine, Jessica, Maicl, Raul...etc-- it brought me so much happiness. To be with the and their family celebrating, laughing and dnancing tgether was something I am so grateful for. It reminded me once again of this true power of being and loving one another. I can´t even pin point one or two th ings that made this 35 minute event so special--but I am so full of joy, warmth and clarity--clarity that these kids, their families and 28 de agsoto in general have truly made this experience so wonderful. I want to continue growing, learning, loving and being with this beautiful community.

With that said, I could not help but wonder how they afforded the party. They literally have next to nothing...yet everyone was fed, there were decorations, cake, music etc...and it all was awesome--but it is hard nt t think about what this could mean for them for the next week r so--did they sacrafice other things for this party? Then again, does it matter? There was not a singe person without a smile on their face. The siplest things brought us all together and truly made us all so joyful, relaxed and from what I saw, thankful for the presence and love of one another.

The love I feel for these people is so powerful--too powerful to explain...agape--the love which I have to believe is God´s presense. God is love--28 de agosto is where I find love in the purest ways...what does that mean? I am not sure, but I am blessed and thankful. Today I forggot about the behaviors that are near impossible to manage--the fights--all the things that at ties put out the light of hope that I have for these kids--and I felt connected to their lives--and I saw the light of love in their lives through their family and friends...the tw most important things in their life and ine...we are connected through that.

Reflections...

Reflections: Walter, Evelyn, David

Walter, who lives across the street has welcomed me into his home since day 1. I truly feel a cnnectin with him--even though I may not visit as often as I like, each oment with him is life giving. He is warm, wise and open---very similar to my own Dad. We connect through our sarcasm and sense of humor..their is always an element of humor with him, yet an immense amount of sincerity and genuiness. Walter always asks questions and pushes the envelope--he often challenges me to truly think and be intentional. His words of wisdom, or simple words of playfullness ar my heart and make me feel at home. I feel lucky to have him in my life.

Evelyn...all I want it the best for her. She is a beautiful, smart, talented young girl who is semi misguided. She is incredibly wise beyond her years and I worry about what her future holds. She is so in tune with her sexuality and craves so much male attentin. She has often told me hw she does nt want to do anything in the future, and that breaks my heart--simply because I know all the wonderful things she can d. I am alw ays at ease with her--she has the ability to consistantly make me smile. She can hold a meaningful conversation at 11 years old which at times is hard for most adults. I want so badly for her to find her dreams and follow them--I want her to have the life and future she truly deserves.

David...he is stone cold...always has his guard up and is uick to act out or be on the defense. Yet his heart is so soft...when you get the change to be let in. My heart goes out to him...especially when I see him struggle--my instincts of hugs and mushy love are not what he wants or need--so I am super challeneged by him..yet my consistancy of being there with him or for him even in just a presence has connected us. I struggle because I am usually quickly shut down by him--which makes it easy to simply give up...especially when the shelter has 80 bys...and especially because he can be extremely mean....but then I am reminded of his smile--of everything he deserves--and I take the 2nd or 3rd try to let hi know that I care---I would truly do anyhing for this kid.

Helpless November 16, 2010

Helpless. The past few days I have truly felt a bit helpless...not in the sense that I am not doing anything, but in the sense that I canot change the experiences and struggles of the people here. I am having a hard time with simply listening---and I know its extremely important..I don´t undermine the power of a listening ear..but its more the äfter-the-fact¨processing that is hard, simply because I don´t usually come to a solution on how I can help the person at hand.

A boy at the shelter and I had an awesome conversation this week--I saw him for who he really was and found a greater appreciation for him. He shared with me about his family, in whom he barely knows and how time passing had simply made it hard to try and reconnect. He spoke on his life on the street before the shelter--his experiences with drugs and gang life...and a small glimpse of his outlook on religion...yet at the end he simply put his head down and cried and asked to be alone. My heart broke at the sight of his sadness--I truly was at a loss of what to do...not to mention his state of vulnerability then led to him not speaking to me--which I had to accept--no matter how much I wanted to help him and hug him. Helplessness filled my heart because the reality is I cannot change what happened to him. All I can offer is the genuine love and care of a friendship.


This feeling resonated with another friend at the shelter who I work with---he is easily one of my favorite people in Ecuador--and he is clealy a bit lost in the midst of the reality of his life, but I learned how grounded he was in his faith. He realizes that God cannt be to blame fr the things gone awry in our lives--which was inspiring to hear from a guy who at my age has gone through hell, yet wears a smile each day. He shared with me the challenges he faces at home. His wife is in bad health after her pregnancy, the baby is sick, and he barely ate the entire weekend. The baby cant go to the doctor because they cannot afford it, his wife is stressed and he takes the weight of it all. I hear these things and I truly do not know what to do. I do not understand why such innocent people suffer...and they suffer frm things that are truly systemic...things I cannot change. Yet again, I can only ffer y listening ear, wrkds of support, a smile and a hug. While I know how meaningful they are to him, it is the processing and recgnition of realitis that makes things so incredibly hard.

Some days kids just do not want to talk--or they don´t want t be bthered--and on those days, I feel th emost helpless be cause on those days the best thing I can do it be around in case they change their mind---otherwise what the kids need is to be left alone. As a person who is extrverted and grounded in relationships and physical validation, this is extremely hard. I Cannt even give the the gift f listening because soetimes, they simply need to be alone in their own thoughts. My heart hurts the most when a kid is clearly struggling and their first instinct is to push me away. Although I know it is not about me, it is another reminder of an inability to truly do anything for them. But then again, it is a reoccuring theme and maybe that means something...

¨We come not to do, but to be¨- Rostro de Cristo 2006 -- This quote, which describes part of our mission in a prayer truly is a reminder that my helplessness is okay-be cause I did not come to change anything in specific, but I came to be...to learn...to walk with my human family. What I choose to do after with the knowledge and experience I am gaining will be a way fo me to perhaps advocate ore for my family and loved ones here.