February 12, 2011--My Brother

In 28 de Agosot, I have become extremely close with the Olmedo family...I have written about how Maribel, the mother, is one of the strongest women I know. But it would not be fair if I didn´t talk about Hamilton...who calls me his sister. And to be honest....my true brother here in Ecuador. He is 16 and has taken on more responsibilities than I have even known at 22. He is the caregiver to his siblings ( he is the oldest of 7) and often takes on responsibilites of mom or dad as Maribel often has to take care of his brother Jonathon who had a traumatic brain injury in an acident last year. Yet Hamilton is full of smiles and hope. He studies hard and loves school...and he genuinely loves his family. I admire how positive he stays amidst so much hardship. Him and I talk almost everday, we have serious conversations, but we mostly just fool around---I very much see my presence in his life as one where he can be himself and let go of his responsibilities for a while, and the severity behind how desperate his home life so often is. All of this leads me to a huge realization I had revolving around him today.

God knows how much I love this kid--and today I truly realized how much he knows me. I was at Manos Abiertas and completely running out of patience---I was feeling frustrated for so many different reasons, and then Hamilton walked in with his usual crowd--Brian, Cristian, Lady and Sylvanna. Everyone said hi and kept walking--but Hamilton read my face--he put his arm around my should smiled and screamed ¨Mi nañaaaaaaa!!!¨which translates to ¨My sisterrrrr!!¨ And then asked, ¨todo bein?¨ everything ok?? I just laughed at his goofiness and yelled back ¨si!! todo bien brother¨---then this 16 year old kid hugged me and whispered, now thats the Jessie I know! ¨Eso es la Jessie quien yo si conozco¨ This small but extremely powerful moment made me realize how much these kids mean to me, and how I do not know what I would do without Hamilton. He truly knew me more than I ever thought and this was a validating moment where I realized how real my relationships are here. And how much love I am experiencing throughout my days.

February 11, 2011--Realization

How do you stay positive when so much that you do contradicts the culture and reality of where you are working and living? And how do you continue to remind yourself of all the good inside of people even after they do or say something completely dark or twisted? These are some of the questions I have been aksing myself recently. Things have been really hard at Manos Abiertas. I feel like I am constantly failing..even when I have days of success. We want to provide a safe educational space where we teach values--respect, responsibility, citizenship, trustworthiness, spirituality, kindness--yet these values are often not seen outside of program. We teach conflict resolutions--or we try to--yet the kids walk out the door and fighting is the only resolution. Not to mention so many of the kids are victims to violence or physical discipline at home. They correlate bad behavior with being hit. So at program, the kids often see consequences such as sitting out during recreo as ¨wins¨. They have the mentality that they can behave poorly at program and instead of getting hit, they just have to sit out or say they are sorry and talk with the others involved. That to them is a sucess. Yet for us, it can often be sad and defeating. Will they ever learn? Or will the cycle of their environment continue?

Two days ago at program, a 12 year old boy punched an 11 year old girl in the face. I immediately told him he had to go, we talked and he was suspended from program for a few days. As I sat and tried to console the young girl, a million things ran through my head. Number one, when I was that age, I knew fighting was not an answer--nevermind the fact that a man hitting a woman was one of the worst things that someone could do--yet the fact that the boy hit the girl did not seem to phase anyone--and that made me sick to my stomach.

As she sat and cried I asked her if she was crying because she was hurt, scared, nervous etc. She responded by telling me it was because she worried that her mom was going to hit her for what happened. I simply didn´t understand. I offered to talk to her mom--who I know well--and as we got up to go, her mom came storming into the school. She screamed about how this was why Jessica should not have come to Manos and how she will only learn by defending herself, so she had to go and fight back. Then she dragged her outside. I was devestated. She was being punished and told to fight back by her mom. It was a huge realization. These kids are being told contradictory things--its no wonder they are confused. But the truth is, their parents will win everytime. And the other truth is, their parents are often people who work hard for their children and have good hearts--but they too grew up learning hese same things--and while it is hard to bear witness to, I cannot judge. I do not know their experiences, realities, etc. All I can do is sit with my feelinfs of discouragement....and then wake up the ready to take my next ´¨jab¨ at instiling positive values, thoughts and actions in the lives of these children.

Jessie is a Madrina!!

Almost four weeks ago on a Friday night I had the baptism for Marco where I became a Gdmother! It was such a special night for me. In the typical Ecuadorian fashion, Wacho told me 2 weeks in advance that the Baptism would be on the 29 of January--the same weekend as ou non-negotiable Rostro retreat. So Wach simply laughed an tld me he would talk to Padre about changing the date...the next day, informed me that the Baptism would be the next day, Friday, at 7:00 pm at the other shelter. Then, he smiled, gave me a hug and left me to figure out the details---how to the shelter on time when I have program until 5....the shelter is an hour and a half away...and I can´t be on buses at night--WOOF! But, it all worked out--I left Manos early, went to Megans ( my boss) and she took me to the shelter. It was an awesome surprise to also find out that two boys from the Duran shelter, Luis and Angelo, were also going to be baptized. The whole night once again really made me realize how much I love this place. Jenn, Marita, Megan, Angelo, Oscar and I went tgether and we sang, laughed and talked in the car. It sounds so simple, but it was so special to me. I felt s comfortable. It was funny too because the Baptism started at 7:30 but once again, so Ecua, no one showed up until 7:30. Wacho and Carolina got there and Marco looked adorable. Throughout the mass I could not stop noticing Wacho´s interactions with Marco. He was so gentle and warm with his son. His eyes sparkled and were full of pride and love. He was totally outisde the element of work and the workshop---I found it so endearing to watch him on this important night with his son. You could tell during the 40 minute mass he was not thinking of his problems or realities--he was simply enjoying the love he had for his child. In seeing this and realizing this, I felt so honored. Honored that my friend, whom I have become so fond of, trusts me enough to play such an important role in his kids life. It was a really powerful realization. It truly solidified my de cision to take on the responsibility of being there for Marco and his parents the best way that I can--even if that means doing it from another country--which breaks my heart to even think about. But the amount of lve and joy that I encountered through this experience was so wonderful.
Aside from the honor of becoming a Madrina, watching Angelo and Luis receive th is sacrament was beautiful. The two young boys , in their nice, clean new clothes were so proud. They couldn´t wipe the smiles off their faces. This was so heartfelt be cause with the boys from the shelter, often even when they are happy, ou can see an inner pain in their eyes and on their faces--yet this night, their emotions were incredibly genuine . It made me near tears t see them so purely and truly content. That is all that I want for them--to be truly happy. We ended the night going to dinner. Megan, Jenn, Marita, Angelos, Oscar, Luis, Reinaldo, Padre Paco and I. It was fu ll of good company a nd laughter. All things that you could tell we all appreciated. Although the night as a whle was a big and important night for many, it was the small mments during it that will st ay in my heart and mind forever. I love these people and this place with all my heart.

Suffering of the Innocent

In being here there have been countless experiences and interactions that have made me sit in a pool of uneasiness because I hate how innocent people suffer. I often think of how it truly is a game of chance--this could easily be me...but it´s not. My heart breaks when I see the true struggles of my friends and family here, and how they truly are not at fault for their circumstances...and I especially feel that way about the kids.

Everyday I go to Manos and I can more or less rely on the fact that at least 2, if not all 4 of Ricardo, Vicente, Marjorie and Julissa will be there. They are 4 kids who have no guidance. Who clearly struggle in school. Who´s father barely notices them. One of the only interactions I have ever seen is when he comes to drop off the 4 year old, Marjorie at the door of Manos. I spend all day in 28 de Agosto on some Saturdays and he won´t utter a world to them. But Why? These kids are not the root of his problems. With that said, I also am compassionate towards him. He, just like his children, does not have much of a say in the life that he leads. He is a single father who has struggles that I cannot even imagine, and I have no idea what his life is truly like. I cannot judge him as much as it makes me fall apart to watch his kids, who yes are happy young kids, struggle to get their basic needs met.

Ricardo at times is one of our biggest behavior issues, yet I have to remember his circumstances. One day I held him behind to talk about his bahavior, and he laid on the cement stair, hid his face, and then told me about how much he didn´t want to go home. How his Dad didn´t love him...how he hadn´t ate that day---etc. And this information, which I had been guessing for a while now became real--and it broke me to pieces. he should not be dealing with this at such a young age. It is not his fault, but its his reality. How can I sit here and fully feel adequate when there are so many things that these kids need? That their families need? They are so innocent yet lack so much. Sometimes I find it hard to pray to God when I don´t understand how this can be the truth and reality of the peoples lives here....yet at the same time I feel such a powerful sense of love here--amidst all of these inhumane or unjust realities. The only answer I have come to is that I need to keep working and being with the kids and people here in Ecuador.

The good and bad of advocating...

One of my favorite students showed up at the shelter last week and it was a really special day. He was asked to leave the shelter, so he had not been there in 2 months, but he came to talk about the circumstances of him returning. (Over the past two months, I was only able to spend time with him here and there on Saturdays when he would come for the Saturday afternoon programming at the other shelter about an hour away from where I live in Duran.) I sat in the office as Padre, who runs the shelter, and the social worker, sternly talked about how he could not be lazy. How he needed to change. How this was his last chance. The social worker told him he needed to go talk to his sister-in-law to find out if we could have a meeting to discuss the possibility of him living with her---and he needed to this all that day. The meeting was harsh, but I guess realistic...Daniel does need to get his act together and take responsibility for his life, but it still breaks my heart to hear people talk down to him and to see his smiling defense that covers up the true pain he feels--and his inability to truly believe in himself.

I knew he was nervous about going to talk to his sister in law, so i offered to go-he brushed me off and then quickly ran back asking if I would go with him. We left and things were normal--he was Daniel being Daniel--full of smiles and siniging...sheer rediculousness that makes him so wonderfully endearing. Yet as we got closer to the house I could see him physically tense up and he got more jittery--all of which he tried to mask through silliness--but I didnt let him know I knew. I asked if he was nervous and he told me he had never been nervous in his entire life, then looked away... he proceeded to look out the window and squeese my hand. Without saying anything, I knew how grateful he was for the company...and I realized how special this incredibly complex, closed off, yet openly loving young boy meant to me. For the first time I truly felt how much trust he had in me, and that was so powerful. I was finally able to advocate for him, and maybe actually DO something for him through this advocacy.

As we got there he got quiet and asked if I would do the talking, so of course I did. I explained the situation, the agreement padre made. Daniel´s need for a place to live in order to be an external student. The true NEED for him to have a more stable and healthy environment to live in. The sister-in-law talked a lot--she told me how she care for him but how he is a free spirit--how he hates rules and loves the street...yet also recognized how hard his life has been, how many negative experiences he has had...how she understands. It was really hard to hear her talk to me as though he was not in the room--she described how smart she knows he is, but how his his lack of confidence was ruining him...she couldnt believe that he was actively making the decision to go back and continue studying. She seemed almost surprised that I was so willing to walk and be with him...to help him actually get back in--so willing to have hope and believe in him.

By the end things were calm and light hearted...she agreed to meet with the social worker the next day. Daniel left with a huge smile on his face. As we left in his looked at me, with his shit eating grin and in his broken english said, ¨thank you teacher¨...he was playful as always but extremely genuine. I am so grateful for our relationship and I hope he knows how much I love him and truly believe in his ability to succeed.

OKAY...so with all that said, it wouldnt be right if I didn´t tell you the horror side of this advocacy story! So that day was great and I felt so proud and excited that I was actually able to be more than just a presence for someone....I was able to number one hold a long and serious conversation in spanish, and give another much needed opportunity to a kid that means the world to me. But, the reality of getting to know the kids is that once they become vulnerable to you, you have to experience the wrath of their negative behavior and disrespect. They are not used to letting people in, never mind truly being loved and so for many of them their first instinct is to run away. My first day back at class with Daniel was a nightmare. He hadn´t been there for two months..and during that time I won the respect of my class who now did all of their work, barely talked back to me and seemed to actually enjoy english....so needless to say it was a big surprise to come back and see that things had drastically changed. He immediately began acting out, distracting the other kids, being inappropriate. I fell apart on the inside...I was able to keep teaching and ignore him, but the other kids strguggled not to react to him---he is a powerful force of peer presssure. I left class angry and hurt as I wondered how I could have ¨done so much¨ for this kid and have him come back behaving in the exact manor that could get him quicked out once again. I had to take a step back, breathe and remember that this experience is not about me. I reflected on his behavior and since then have had multiple talks with him. With each one the behavior has slowly improved, but the reality is I cannot force him to change. I can only hope that my persistence with him, and ability to be real with him will help him to make the change that he needs to make. He truly is a good boy with so much potential. My goal is to help him realize that, small steps at a time.

The Strongest Woman I know..

Maribel....she has slowly becoe someone whom I love so much. She is one of the strongest women I know. 7 kids..ne who is special needs and another who is rehabilitating from a serious accident...a husband who is seemingly absent... no money...the list can go on. Yet her faith brings her great hope and peace. Life throws her challenges, but she wears a smile and fights for her kids. I truly admire her. She is one of the most hospitable people I have encuntered...and I don´t simply mean that she invites me into her house, which I LOVE...she invites me into her life--with an open heart and open hands. She literally shares everything with me, and while it often breaks y heart, her openess brings me life and warmth. In all of the darkness that sometimes is her life, she brings me so much light. She doesnt question while I am here. She welcomes it. She knew little about me, but has had me in her home near everyday since I have been here. Her kids mean the world to me--and even though her son who is also in y class at the shelter is not speakin to me--I feel an overpowering sense of genuine love for them..and desire for them to have a better life.

Although Maribel has no real power over her current lifestyle, her willingness to make her kids happy is mind blowing. She has been fighting for months now to get her son Jonathon, who was more or less declared brain dead,..up, moving and talking. She has spent so much money, time ( someties at the expense of the others), emotions...and he is now physically responding. He can walk with help, sit up on his own, shake his head for yes or no...give thumbs up or thumbs down--the change I have seen in him has been truly amazing, and she deserves all the credit. Her strength and hope got hi here and I truly do not doubt that he will cotinue to recover. The way she talks about her kids lets me know tha they are what she is living for. She is so real with them and puts so much responsibility on the but it is all out of love and I th ink they realize that.

I did not realize how much I loved Maribel until re cently when she invited me to go with her to her church. ( She´s evangelical) Yes, it was uncofortable, but it made me realize how open she was to her own vulnerability...and hw she shared in that with me. Through her invitations--inviation to get t know her kids--invitation to come sit on her floor or eat a meal--invitations to simply talk. These invitations are the definition of hospitality. The Cortez family is my family here. All I want is a life full of happiness for them. I hope God answers their prayers.

Reflections Before Christmas

Christmas is in just three days and I cannot help but feel homesick. My whole life Christmas for me was the unity of my family.....a holiday of being together. Yes, presents were clearly a huge part of the day...physically...but it was and is the time spent together that was truly the highlight. I recently wrote a letter to my family, and I talked about the idea of accompaniment. This idea of accompanying others. When I thikn about the story of Christmas, this word and idea also comes to mind. Joseph accompanying Mary....people coming from all over to see this new baby and accompany these people...and then of course Jesus...he spent his life accompanying others and walking with others....especially the poor. I think this experience here in Ecuador has brought me to a realization that I do believe and truly am living out my faith...through accompaniment. My family and friends are living this out through accompanying me. Its this comfort in knowing that you are walking with others...and others are walking with you. We are truly never alone.

Reflection on accompaniment

Daniella--12 years old--28 de Agosto

About 5 days ag, I sat outside of Jessica, Raul and Danielles house as Daniella handwashed her families clohes. I didn´t actually do antying--I sat on a dirt mound and talked. We also didn´t talk about anything all that serious either. She told me about her best friends...about her lder sisters in whom I knew othing about...but all of this ¨nothingness¨ drew us closer together. The time passed quickly and I could tell she appreciated y company the same way that I appreciated hers. This tgetherness is the spirit of Christas that I feel with my own family....which is a gentle reinder that even in their absence, I am okay. I am loving others and being loved by my faily here. It is such a beautiful thing.

Aside from all that, just watching and being with Daniella brought us closer. I learned so much from her in this small moment. When I was 12, my mom did my laundry for me...nevermind handwashing my own clothes...or the clthes of my brothers! It was anther glimpse int the realities and responsibilities of the kids here...and it made me grateful for the life I was given and the things that my parents did for me so that I could have more time to spend being a kid...but it also gave me a lot more respect for the kids whom i love unconditionally here. If only they knew hw much they are teaching me as we accompany one another. I am forever thankful to Danielle for these small learning moments.