Lesson learned due to the fragments of my heart

I wake up more or less everyday and I feel happy to be here. Even after the hard days, I look forward to going to the shelter and taking another stab at one of my english lessons and just fooling around with the boys. No matter how chaotic the kids, activity or homework room are, I still get butterflies of anxiousness on the bus on the way to Manos, to see the brilliant smiles and recieve the small hugs from the kids. And after even the longest and worst of days, I yearn to get home and just sit and decompress with the families across the street. I truly am in love with everything that I do here. This scares me. It scares me because the reality is I am not going to be here forever. I only have about 3 months left here and I truly worry that I will not fall in love with something the same way I have fallen in love with my mission, my work, with this country and its people.

Yet there is one thing that has been consistent for me bother here and at home--Education, the doors it can open, and the true strength, power and potential of children and youth. Both here and in my time in Chicago, I can see how much the care, effort and encouragement of a teacher or a mentor can motivate and change the life of one person. How even the very basic access to education can pave a path into a great future--if someone is there to tell these young kids that they can do it, they they deserve more, that they are special. They need to be guided to continue to study, learn and find a way to better their circumstances. When kids are in situations where all they know is the norm--such as not finishing high school, or simlpy taking on a woman´s role in the house, it is near impossible for them to beat the odds and step out of the status qup of their realities--yet when they have someone to remind them, push them and open their eyes to their own greatness, they may take that leap of faith. Break that mold. Open themselves to more opportunities by educating themselves. And although my heart truly is fragmented after my experiences here, my passion for education has noe become my responsibility--no matter where I am.

For the past 9 months I have been able to fight to be that positive force in the lives of these impressionable young kids and teenagers...and I need to let go and realize that I cant be here forever, but through this program, more volunteers will come and be yet another positive presence for them. ...and realize that there are other kids back at home, who are just as valuable and worthy of my love, support and motivation. Kids who need that same teacher or mentor to open their eyes to education and their own power to learn, move forward and make a life for themselves that is worth living. Children, teenagers--all young peopel---they hod the true key to the door of our world´s future.

No words

I feel so sad. So sad that someone can actively make decisions that they know could be harmful to themselves simply because they do not see their own worth....and truly do not think anyone will care about their negative actions, never mind their absence. There is a young man at the shelter who is a volunteer and I truly love him with every ounce of my being. He is 20 and has been handed a shitty deck of cards. I could laundry list the things he has encountered..the negative experiences in his life...which is why I was so drawn to him from the beginning. We connected right away. yes, he was insane...walking around the shelter with machetes ( that the kids use to cut the grass and weeds) with his bug eyes and sly smile scaring them into doing their chores...but there was something terribly endearing about him. He usually sits and just makes fun of me...my gringa accent, my hair....you name it, he laughs at it. He is actually kind of mean...but sometimes I catch his shy grin or see his eye sparkle in the sunlight, and I have always known there was something there... something incredibly good deep down inside him.

Over the passed 8 months we have gotten really close. Our conversations are often intense and sometimes scare me...and he often goes weeks or months without talking to me, usually because he doesn't want to hear or accept the things that I have to say. Every conversation with him t hough breaks my heart. Here is this young man who has overcome so much, and has such a future ahead of him, but he doesn´t see it. He is extremely personable...he can make almost anyone laugh..his insight is incredible, he is so aware of his surroundings an can read people and situations so well...he always truly knows what is going on. Not to mention how incredibly bright he is....I could go on forever about him. He truly impresses me and this is why these conversations continually break my heart. He is often in over his head with gangs, revenge etc and every time we talk he completely disregards the value of his own life. He doesn´t realize his potential. He doesn´t see all the good he has inside of him...and the few times I pushed him and he began to see it, he got scared and ran...figuratively that is.

This month a big issue arose and he had to make a decision whether or not give into outside forces, which revolve around drugs and violence, or to continue volunteering at the shelter, continue studying, continue to fight to become the wonderful man I know he can be ( and that he deep down inside knows that he is). We talked and in these conversations I saw a gentle side to him...a broken boy who for a mere few minutes was able to tell me what he was good at, what his talents were...how smart he knew he was. Yet after these successes and realizations, he quickly hardened and told me his reality, ¨If I leave, no one will look for me.¨I told him how important he was to others, how we would be sad if anything were to happen to him. It seemed like for one of the first times he was getting somewhere--our conversation led to a genuine smile that spread across his faces--small wrinkles around his hard dark eyes--I thought I had convinced him to do the right thing. Then, I showed up the next morning and his was gone....left. This hit me like a ton of bricks. The sadness I feel is overpowering--because this action told me that he still does not value his own life and his own potential. He is still too scared to become someone great--and I hurt because I know its the truth and I cannot stop his own pain and bring him to the realization that he is amazing. That he deserves everything in this world. He will need to come to that conclusion on his own...I just so badly want that for him.

Yet I have hope. I have hope that he will get there. The reality is I have no idea where he is, what he is doing, if he is okay...if he will come back. He made his decision. I now need to let go, as much as it hurts. But there is something about this kid that will stay with me forever. He is someone who I know I will always love and always believe in...his presence and our conversations screamed success, talent potential...and these are things that I know will not leave him. I just pray that one day it will not just be other people who see this qualities in him, but he himself...and that he will take it and run with it...chase after his dreams and find what makes him happy.

Impressions on the heart

The kids here never cease to impress me. I mean, of course kids will be kids...they can do things and make decisions that make me want to scream...but their genuine grace in accepting their responsibilites and circumstances awes me--especially because so many of them take on what my eyes see as adult roles as such young ages. I have been seeing this throughout my experience in many different ways and while I admire these kids due to this, it also scares the crap out of me--especially with the young girls.

I often walk around 28 de Agosoto before program and on the weekends and am completely overwhelmed. I see Valeria (13) or Sydney (16) doing laundry or holding the hand of their 2 year old sister while she tries to walk with a baby bottle stuck under their arms. I see Vanessa (11) with bags under her eyes as she shadows her 1 1/2 year old sister in the middle of the street--while her mom washes all the families clothes. I see Julissa (9) with her big brown eyes shining as she dresses her 4 year old sister Maryuri. I see Carolina (9) cooking what little food is left in the house. Not to mention Mafer (17) who sits and breast feeds her 4 month old baby. The list can go on...and that is just in one neighborhood. I see the same thing here in my own neighborhood Antonio Jose de Sucre. Everyday I am awed yet pained as I watch one of my closest friends, Stefanie (13) who recently lost her mother. She is up each morning playing the role of mom while her Grandmother heads out to work. She cooks, cleans--does what needs to be done for her 4 brothers and baby sister. She is the main caregiver to her 10 month old sister--which she does with a tremendous amount of care and gentleness...and after a full days work in her home, she studies at night school from 7 to 10pm. With all of these younger girls, I cannot think of a time when I have heard them complain. While I often can see the yearning to be free..to be the kids that they are, they know they need to help. And they have so much genuine love for their families.

Even on days when these young girls can be free of responsibility for 2 hours at our after school programs, I see how they still watch over their siblings and the young children with such caring gentle eyes. This whole idea really does floor me. They are such beautiful, amazing young girls who ahave ALL the potential in the world. Yet I am scared for them. I often think about what their lives will be like when I come back for a visit in 5, 6 or 7 years. I hate to even say it, but I worry these girls will wake up one day in the same house, in the same neighborhood, doing these same tasks only for children of their own. I want to protect them but I do not know how. Yet it is not one persons fault--it is this cycle of poverty that limits these young girls and women. It is their role in this country and in this culture.

I get angry becuase it is not fair. Not fair that they do not have the opportunity to fall in love with something. To truly find a passion and make a life out of it. These girls have left an impression on me that will never go away. Their sparkling eyes, tired faces and brilliant smiles will forever remind me of how I need to keep fighting for them. It will remind me of how fortunate I truly am to have grown up female in a country where I do not need to take on a specific role--but where women can truly try to be whatever they want to be..without some of these limits that I see in my experience here each and every day.

March 24, 2011--Friendships

When else will I genuinely be able to say that some of my best friends range between the ages of 6 and 17? I recently have been thinking about how I spend my time here, and how different my relationships look comparatively to my life back at home. Hands down, my best friend here is a coworker of mine who I have written about before Wacho---but he is 21 and that is normal--nothing out of the regular friendships I have at home. Yet everyday I come home and find myself genuinely excited to play and share in my day with the kids across the street...Stefanie (13), Evelyn ( 11), Luis (10) and David (6). They have become so important to me. Yet when I go back home, will I befriend and play with the kids who live across the street from my house? Probably nott--there are limits and realities to playing and spending too much time with young kids in the states. Its not normal for a 22 year old girl to spend 2 hours with 10 and 6 year old boys. Not to mention, aside from those kids, I talk to Danny (19), Danny (14) and Henry (17) almost everyday. They are young boys who I truly confide in. Especially Danny---we know so much about each other--our lives, our dreams..what we love..what we hate. I cherish our conversations. Here it is okay--everyone is on a level playing field in terms of friendships. Yet at home, a 22 year old confiding in a high schooler would be seen as inappropriate. Today is another perfect example----I went to a pool with 4 boys between the ages of 14 and 16. We had a blast---such genuine fun..but such great conversations and incredible insight to the lives they lead..and how they are still normal teenage boys, yet they are boys who are amazing and thoughtful....then nevermind my friendship with Hamilton ( my brother here)..He is someone I will miss the most...and I know I will never have this freedom again. The freedom to just be and build relationships without having to think about age, contact, where and when. Life here just is. I love that. But what does this all mean? This experience has truly allowed me to see who and what is in front of me. To look beyond age and see people for who they are. To listen. To talk. To share. It has truly opened my eyes to the true abilities of children and young people. I have learned more from them than from anyone else. I will go home and truly be aware of the voices, opinions and thoughts of youth. I realized how almost oppressed they can be--written off because of age or lack of experiece---yet here in Ecuador I was awakened--through my freiendshi`s with them--by their true intelligence and potential to be the lights in our world. If we separate children and youth from adults, I really do not know if we can make great changes--their innocense gives a different perspective. Their simle yet incredible observations need to be heard--I just wish that all adults--myself included--could always see that.

So while yes, I will go home and have limits or restrictions on relationships, it is my relationships, it is my friendships with young people here that will push me to see out kids in the United States and let them know their voices, opinions and ideas are valued. That they are being heard. The kids of Ecuador will be my motivation--I will carry my real and genuine friendships with these kids in my heart forever.

February 12, 2011--My Brother

In 28 de Agosot, I have become extremely close with the Olmedo family...I have written about how Maribel, the mother, is one of the strongest women I know. But it would not be fair if I didn´t talk about Hamilton...who calls me his sister. And to be honest....my true brother here in Ecuador. He is 16 and has taken on more responsibilities than I have even known at 22. He is the caregiver to his siblings ( he is the oldest of 7) and often takes on responsibilites of mom or dad as Maribel often has to take care of his brother Jonathon who had a traumatic brain injury in an acident last year. Yet Hamilton is full of smiles and hope. He studies hard and loves school...and he genuinely loves his family. I admire how positive he stays amidst so much hardship. Him and I talk almost everday, we have serious conversations, but we mostly just fool around---I very much see my presence in his life as one where he can be himself and let go of his responsibilities for a while, and the severity behind how desperate his home life so often is. All of this leads me to a huge realization I had revolving around him today.

God knows how much I love this kid--and today I truly realized how much he knows me. I was at Manos Abiertas and completely running out of patience---I was feeling frustrated for so many different reasons, and then Hamilton walked in with his usual crowd--Brian, Cristian, Lady and Sylvanna. Everyone said hi and kept walking--but Hamilton read my face--he put his arm around my should smiled and screamed ¨Mi nañaaaaaaa!!!¨which translates to ¨My sisterrrrr!!¨ And then asked, ¨todo bein?¨ everything ok?? I just laughed at his goofiness and yelled back ¨si!! todo bien brother¨---then this 16 year old kid hugged me and whispered, now thats the Jessie I know! ¨Eso es la Jessie quien yo si conozco¨ This small but extremely powerful moment made me realize how much these kids mean to me, and how I do not know what I would do without Hamilton. He truly knew me more than I ever thought and this was a validating moment where I realized how real my relationships are here. And how much love I am experiencing throughout my days.

February 11, 2011--Realization

How do you stay positive when so much that you do contradicts the culture and reality of where you are working and living? And how do you continue to remind yourself of all the good inside of people even after they do or say something completely dark or twisted? These are some of the questions I have been aksing myself recently. Things have been really hard at Manos Abiertas. I feel like I am constantly failing..even when I have days of success. We want to provide a safe educational space where we teach values--respect, responsibility, citizenship, trustworthiness, spirituality, kindness--yet these values are often not seen outside of program. We teach conflict resolutions--or we try to--yet the kids walk out the door and fighting is the only resolution. Not to mention so many of the kids are victims to violence or physical discipline at home. They correlate bad behavior with being hit. So at program, the kids often see consequences such as sitting out during recreo as ¨wins¨. They have the mentality that they can behave poorly at program and instead of getting hit, they just have to sit out or say they are sorry and talk with the others involved. That to them is a sucess. Yet for us, it can often be sad and defeating. Will they ever learn? Or will the cycle of their environment continue?

Two days ago at program, a 12 year old boy punched an 11 year old girl in the face. I immediately told him he had to go, we talked and he was suspended from program for a few days. As I sat and tried to console the young girl, a million things ran through my head. Number one, when I was that age, I knew fighting was not an answer--nevermind the fact that a man hitting a woman was one of the worst things that someone could do--yet the fact that the boy hit the girl did not seem to phase anyone--and that made me sick to my stomach.

As she sat and cried I asked her if she was crying because she was hurt, scared, nervous etc. She responded by telling me it was because she worried that her mom was going to hit her for what happened. I simply didn´t understand. I offered to talk to her mom--who I know well--and as we got up to go, her mom came storming into the school. She screamed about how this was why Jessica should not have come to Manos and how she will only learn by defending herself, so she had to go and fight back. Then she dragged her outside. I was devestated. She was being punished and told to fight back by her mom. It was a huge realization. These kids are being told contradictory things--its no wonder they are confused. But the truth is, their parents will win everytime. And the other truth is, their parents are often people who work hard for their children and have good hearts--but they too grew up learning hese same things--and while it is hard to bear witness to, I cannot judge. I do not know their experiences, realities, etc. All I can do is sit with my feelinfs of discouragement....and then wake up the ready to take my next ´¨jab¨ at instiling positive values, thoughts and actions in the lives of these children.

Jessie is a Madrina!!

Almost four weeks ago on a Friday night I had the baptism for Marco where I became a Gdmother! It was such a special night for me. In the typical Ecuadorian fashion, Wacho told me 2 weeks in advance that the Baptism would be on the 29 of January--the same weekend as ou non-negotiable Rostro retreat. So Wach simply laughed an tld me he would talk to Padre about changing the date...the next day, informed me that the Baptism would be the next day, Friday, at 7:00 pm at the other shelter. Then, he smiled, gave me a hug and left me to figure out the details---how to the shelter on time when I have program until 5....the shelter is an hour and a half away...and I can´t be on buses at night--WOOF! But, it all worked out--I left Manos early, went to Megans ( my boss) and she took me to the shelter. It was an awesome surprise to also find out that two boys from the Duran shelter, Luis and Angelo, were also going to be baptized. The whole night once again really made me realize how much I love this place. Jenn, Marita, Megan, Angelo, Oscar and I went tgether and we sang, laughed and talked in the car. It sounds so simple, but it was so special to me. I felt s comfortable. It was funny too because the Baptism started at 7:30 but once again, so Ecua, no one showed up until 7:30. Wacho and Carolina got there and Marco looked adorable. Throughout the mass I could not stop noticing Wacho´s interactions with Marco. He was so gentle and warm with his son. His eyes sparkled and were full of pride and love. He was totally outisde the element of work and the workshop---I found it so endearing to watch him on this important night with his son. You could tell during the 40 minute mass he was not thinking of his problems or realities--he was simply enjoying the love he had for his child. In seeing this and realizing this, I felt so honored. Honored that my friend, whom I have become so fond of, trusts me enough to play such an important role in his kids life. It was a really powerful realization. It truly solidified my de cision to take on the responsibility of being there for Marco and his parents the best way that I can--even if that means doing it from another country--which breaks my heart to even think about. But the amount of lve and joy that I encountered through this experience was so wonderful.
Aside from the honor of becoming a Madrina, watching Angelo and Luis receive th is sacrament was beautiful. The two young boys , in their nice, clean new clothes were so proud. They couldn´t wipe the smiles off their faces. This was so heartfelt be cause with the boys from the shelter, often even when they are happy, ou can see an inner pain in their eyes and on their faces--yet this night, their emotions were incredibly genuine . It made me near tears t see them so purely and truly content. That is all that I want for them--to be truly happy. We ended the night going to dinner. Megan, Jenn, Marita, Angelos, Oscar, Luis, Reinaldo, Padre Paco and I. It was fu ll of good company a nd laughter. All things that you could tell we all appreciated. Although the night as a whle was a big and important night for many, it was the small mments during it that will st ay in my heart and mind forever. I love these people and this place with all my heart.

Suffering of the Innocent

In being here there have been countless experiences and interactions that have made me sit in a pool of uneasiness because I hate how innocent people suffer. I often think of how it truly is a game of chance--this could easily be me...but it´s not. My heart breaks when I see the true struggles of my friends and family here, and how they truly are not at fault for their circumstances...and I especially feel that way about the kids.

Everyday I go to Manos and I can more or less rely on the fact that at least 2, if not all 4 of Ricardo, Vicente, Marjorie and Julissa will be there. They are 4 kids who have no guidance. Who clearly struggle in school. Who´s father barely notices them. One of the only interactions I have ever seen is when he comes to drop off the 4 year old, Marjorie at the door of Manos. I spend all day in 28 de Agosto on some Saturdays and he won´t utter a world to them. But Why? These kids are not the root of his problems. With that said, I also am compassionate towards him. He, just like his children, does not have much of a say in the life that he leads. He is a single father who has struggles that I cannot even imagine, and I have no idea what his life is truly like. I cannot judge him as much as it makes me fall apart to watch his kids, who yes are happy young kids, struggle to get their basic needs met.

Ricardo at times is one of our biggest behavior issues, yet I have to remember his circumstances. One day I held him behind to talk about his bahavior, and he laid on the cement stair, hid his face, and then told me about how much he didn´t want to go home. How his Dad didn´t love him...how he hadn´t ate that day---etc. And this information, which I had been guessing for a while now became real--and it broke me to pieces. he should not be dealing with this at such a young age. It is not his fault, but its his reality. How can I sit here and fully feel adequate when there are so many things that these kids need? That their families need? They are so innocent yet lack so much. Sometimes I find it hard to pray to God when I don´t understand how this can be the truth and reality of the peoples lives here....yet at the same time I feel such a powerful sense of love here--amidst all of these inhumane or unjust realities. The only answer I have come to is that I need to keep working and being with the kids and people here in Ecuador.

The good and bad of advocating...

One of my favorite students showed up at the shelter last week and it was a really special day. He was asked to leave the shelter, so he had not been there in 2 months, but he came to talk about the circumstances of him returning. (Over the past two months, I was only able to spend time with him here and there on Saturdays when he would come for the Saturday afternoon programming at the other shelter about an hour away from where I live in Duran.) I sat in the office as Padre, who runs the shelter, and the social worker, sternly talked about how he could not be lazy. How he needed to change. How this was his last chance. The social worker told him he needed to go talk to his sister-in-law to find out if we could have a meeting to discuss the possibility of him living with her---and he needed to this all that day. The meeting was harsh, but I guess realistic...Daniel does need to get his act together and take responsibility for his life, but it still breaks my heart to hear people talk down to him and to see his smiling defense that covers up the true pain he feels--and his inability to truly believe in himself.

I knew he was nervous about going to talk to his sister in law, so i offered to go-he brushed me off and then quickly ran back asking if I would go with him. We left and things were normal--he was Daniel being Daniel--full of smiles and siniging...sheer rediculousness that makes him so wonderfully endearing. Yet as we got closer to the house I could see him physically tense up and he got more jittery--all of which he tried to mask through silliness--but I didnt let him know I knew. I asked if he was nervous and he told me he had never been nervous in his entire life, then looked away... he proceeded to look out the window and squeese my hand. Without saying anything, I knew how grateful he was for the company...and I realized how special this incredibly complex, closed off, yet openly loving young boy meant to me. For the first time I truly felt how much trust he had in me, and that was so powerful. I was finally able to advocate for him, and maybe actually DO something for him through this advocacy.

As we got there he got quiet and asked if I would do the talking, so of course I did. I explained the situation, the agreement padre made. Daniel´s need for a place to live in order to be an external student. The true NEED for him to have a more stable and healthy environment to live in. The sister-in-law talked a lot--she told me how she care for him but how he is a free spirit--how he hates rules and loves the street...yet also recognized how hard his life has been, how many negative experiences he has had...how she understands. It was really hard to hear her talk to me as though he was not in the room--she described how smart she knows he is, but how his his lack of confidence was ruining him...she couldnt believe that he was actively making the decision to go back and continue studying. She seemed almost surprised that I was so willing to walk and be with him...to help him actually get back in--so willing to have hope and believe in him.

By the end things were calm and light hearted...she agreed to meet with the social worker the next day. Daniel left with a huge smile on his face. As we left in his looked at me, with his shit eating grin and in his broken english said, ¨thank you teacher¨...he was playful as always but extremely genuine. I am so grateful for our relationship and I hope he knows how much I love him and truly believe in his ability to succeed.

OKAY...so with all that said, it wouldnt be right if I didn´t tell you the horror side of this advocacy story! So that day was great and I felt so proud and excited that I was actually able to be more than just a presence for someone....I was able to number one hold a long and serious conversation in spanish, and give another much needed opportunity to a kid that means the world to me. But, the reality of getting to know the kids is that once they become vulnerable to you, you have to experience the wrath of their negative behavior and disrespect. They are not used to letting people in, never mind truly being loved and so for many of them their first instinct is to run away. My first day back at class with Daniel was a nightmare. He hadn´t been there for two months..and during that time I won the respect of my class who now did all of their work, barely talked back to me and seemed to actually enjoy english....so needless to say it was a big surprise to come back and see that things had drastically changed. He immediately began acting out, distracting the other kids, being inappropriate. I fell apart on the inside...I was able to keep teaching and ignore him, but the other kids strguggled not to react to him---he is a powerful force of peer presssure. I left class angry and hurt as I wondered how I could have ¨done so much¨ for this kid and have him come back behaving in the exact manor that could get him quicked out once again. I had to take a step back, breathe and remember that this experience is not about me. I reflected on his behavior and since then have had multiple talks with him. With each one the behavior has slowly improved, but the reality is I cannot force him to change. I can only hope that my persistence with him, and ability to be real with him will help him to make the change that he needs to make. He truly is a good boy with so much potential. My goal is to help him realize that, small steps at a time.

The Strongest Woman I know..

Maribel....she has slowly becoe someone whom I love so much. She is one of the strongest women I know. 7 kids..ne who is special needs and another who is rehabilitating from a serious accident...a husband who is seemingly absent... no money...the list can go on. Yet her faith brings her great hope and peace. Life throws her challenges, but she wears a smile and fights for her kids. I truly admire her. She is one of the most hospitable people I have encuntered...and I don´t simply mean that she invites me into her house, which I LOVE...she invites me into her life--with an open heart and open hands. She literally shares everything with me, and while it often breaks y heart, her openess brings me life and warmth. In all of the darkness that sometimes is her life, she brings me so much light. She doesnt question while I am here. She welcomes it. She knew little about me, but has had me in her home near everyday since I have been here. Her kids mean the world to me--and even though her son who is also in y class at the shelter is not speakin to me--I feel an overpowering sense of genuine love for them..and desire for them to have a better life.

Although Maribel has no real power over her current lifestyle, her willingness to make her kids happy is mind blowing. She has been fighting for months now to get her son Jonathon, who was more or less declared brain dead,..up, moving and talking. She has spent so much money, time ( someties at the expense of the others), emotions...and he is now physically responding. He can walk with help, sit up on his own, shake his head for yes or no...give thumbs up or thumbs down--the change I have seen in him has been truly amazing, and she deserves all the credit. Her strength and hope got hi here and I truly do not doubt that he will cotinue to recover. The way she talks about her kids lets me know tha they are what she is living for. She is so real with them and puts so much responsibility on the but it is all out of love and I th ink they realize that.

I did not realize how much I loved Maribel until re cently when she invited me to go with her to her church. ( She´s evangelical) Yes, it was uncofortable, but it made me realize how open she was to her own vulnerability...and hw she shared in that with me. Through her invitations--inviation to get t know her kids--invitation to come sit on her floor or eat a meal--invitations to simply talk. These invitations are the definition of hospitality. The Cortez family is my family here. All I want is a life full of happiness for them. I hope God answers their prayers.

Reflections Before Christmas

Christmas is in just three days and I cannot help but feel homesick. My whole life Christmas for me was the unity of my family.....a holiday of being together. Yes, presents were clearly a huge part of the day...physically...but it was and is the time spent together that was truly the highlight. I recently wrote a letter to my family, and I talked about the idea of accompaniment. This idea of accompanying others. When I thikn about the story of Christmas, this word and idea also comes to mind. Joseph accompanying Mary....people coming from all over to see this new baby and accompany these people...and then of course Jesus...he spent his life accompanying others and walking with others....especially the poor. I think this experience here in Ecuador has brought me to a realization that I do believe and truly am living out my faith...through accompaniment. My family and friends are living this out through accompanying me. Its this comfort in knowing that you are walking with others...and others are walking with you. We are truly never alone.

Reflection on accompaniment

Daniella--12 years old--28 de Agosto

About 5 days ag, I sat outside of Jessica, Raul and Danielles house as Daniella handwashed her families clohes. I didn´t actually do antying--I sat on a dirt mound and talked. We also didn´t talk about anything all that serious either. She told me about her best friends...about her lder sisters in whom I knew othing about...but all of this ¨nothingness¨ drew us closer together. The time passed quickly and I could tell she appreciated y company the same way that I appreciated hers. This tgetherness is the spirit of Christas that I feel with my own family....which is a gentle reinder that even in their absence, I am okay. I am loving others and being loved by my faily here. It is such a beautiful thing.

Aside from all that, just watching and being with Daniella brought us closer. I learned so much from her in this small moment. When I was 12, my mom did my laundry for me...nevermind handwashing my own clothes...or the clthes of my brothers! It was anther glimpse int the realities and responsibilities of the kids here...and it made me grateful for the life I was given and the things that my parents did for me so that I could have more time to spend being a kid...but it also gave me a lot more respect for the kids whom i love unconditionally here. If only they knew hw much they are teaching me as we accompany one another. I am forever thankful to Danielle for these small learning moments.

Happy Birthday Tita

I had the biggest moment of jy and connection today in 28 de agosot....after Manos we spontaneously went to Tita´s birthday party, which Luz ( Tierney) and I had planned on blowing off...and as we walked out Christian gently, but quite vividly reminded us that we had to go to the party. The second I was outside the house I immediately realized how important this community and big family meant to me. I was filled with warmth as I was welcomed and imediately behan dancing. Tita, wh is usually in rags for clothes, dirty, with her unbrushed hair--a tom boy to the T looked stunning. I could not help but think about how beautiful this 7 year old will be in 5 years as a young woman. Being in a different environment with all of y regular Manos kids was so special---Christian, Coria, Jaun Carlos, Arelis, Tita, Augustine, Jessica, Maicl, Raul...etc-- it brought me so much happiness. To be with the and their family celebrating, laughing and dnancing tgether was something I am so grateful for. It reminded me once again of this true power of being and loving one another. I can´t even pin point one or two th ings that made this 35 minute event so special--but I am so full of joy, warmth and clarity--clarity that these kids, their families and 28 de agsoto in general have truly made this experience so wonderful. I want to continue growing, learning, loving and being with this beautiful community.

With that said, I could not help but wonder how they afforded the party. They literally have next to nothing...yet everyone was fed, there were decorations, cake, music etc...and it all was awesome--but it is hard nt t think about what this could mean for them for the next week r so--did they sacrafice other things for this party? Then again, does it matter? There was not a singe person without a smile on their face. The siplest things brought us all together and truly made us all so joyful, relaxed and from what I saw, thankful for the presence and love of one another.

The love I feel for these people is so powerful--too powerful to explain...agape--the love which I have to believe is God´s presense. God is love--28 de agosto is where I find love in the purest ways...what does that mean? I am not sure, but I am blessed and thankful. Today I forggot about the behaviors that are near impossible to manage--the fights--all the things that at ties put out the light of hope that I have for these kids--and I felt connected to their lives--and I saw the light of love in their lives through their family and friends...the tw most important things in their life and ine...we are connected through that.

Reflections...

Reflections: Walter, Evelyn, David

Walter, who lives across the street has welcomed me into his home since day 1. I truly feel a cnnectin with him--even though I may not visit as often as I like, each oment with him is life giving. He is warm, wise and open---very similar to my own Dad. We connect through our sarcasm and sense of humor..their is always an element of humor with him, yet an immense amount of sincerity and genuiness. Walter always asks questions and pushes the envelope--he often challenges me to truly think and be intentional. His words of wisdom, or simple words of playfullness ar my heart and make me feel at home. I feel lucky to have him in my life.

Evelyn...all I want it the best for her. She is a beautiful, smart, talented young girl who is semi misguided. She is incredibly wise beyond her years and I worry about what her future holds. She is so in tune with her sexuality and craves so much male attentin. She has often told me hw she does nt want to do anything in the future, and that breaks my heart--simply because I know all the wonderful things she can d. I am alw ays at ease with her--she has the ability to consistantly make me smile. She can hold a meaningful conversation at 11 years old which at times is hard for most adults. I want so badly for her to find her dreams and follow them--I want her to have the life and future she truly deserves.

David...he is stone cold...always has his guard up and is uick to act out or be on the defense. Yet his heart is so soft...when you get the change to be let in. My heart goes out to him...especially when I see him struggle--my instincts of hugs and mushy love are not what he wants or need--so I am super challeneged by him..yet my consistancy of being there with him or for him even in just a presence has connected us. I struggle because I am usually quickly shut down by him--which makes it easy to simply give up...especially when the shelter has 80 bys...and especially because he can be extremely mean....but then I am reminded of his smile--of everything he deserves--and I take the 2nd or 3rd try to let hi know that I care---I would truly do anyhing for this kid.

Helpless November 16, 2010

Helpless. The past few days I have truly felt a bit helpless...not in the sense that I am not doing anything, but in the sense that I canot change the experiences and struggles of the people here. I am having a hard time with simply listening---and I know its extremely important..I don´t undermine the power of a listening ear..but its more the äfter-the-fact¨processing that is hard, simply because I don´t usually come to a solution on how I can help the person at hand.

A boy at the shelter and I had an awesome conversation this week--I saw him for who he really was and found a greater appreciation for him. He shared with me about his family, in whom he barely knows and how time passing had simply made it hard to try and reconnect. He spoke on his life on the street before the shelter--his experiences with drugs and gang life...and a small glimpse of his outlook on religion...yet at the end he simply put his head down and cried and asked to be alone. My heart broke at the sight of his sadness--I truly was at a loss of what to do...not to mention his state of vulnerability then led to him not speaking to me--which I had to accept--no matter how much I wanted to help him and hug him. Helplessness filled my heart because the reality is I cannot change what happened to him. All I can offer is the genuine love and care of a friendship.


This feeling resonated with another friend at the shelter who I work with---he is easily one of my favorite people in Ecuador--and he is clealy a bit lost in the midst of the reality of his life, but I learned how grounded he was in his faith. He realizes that God cannt be to blame fr the things gone awry in our lives--which was inspiring to hear from a guy who at my age has gone through hell, yet wears a smile each day. He shared with me the challenges he faces at home. His wife is in bad health after her pregnancy, the baby is sick, and he barely ate the entire weekend. The baby cant go to the doctor because they cannot afford it, his wife is stressed and he takes the weight of it all. I hear these things and I truly do not know what to do. I do not understand why such innocent people suffer...and they suffer frm things that are truly systemic...things I cannot change. Yet again, I can only ffer y listening ear, wrkds of support, a smile and a hug. While I know how meaningful they are to him, it is the processing and recgnition of realitis that makes things so incredibly hard.

Some days kids just do not want to talk--or they don´t want t be bthered--and on those days, I feel th emost helpless be cause on those days the best thing I can do it be around in case they change their mind---otherwise what the kids need is to be left alone. As a person who is extrverted and grounded in relationships and physical validation, this is extremely hard. I Cannt even give the the gift f listening because soetimes, they simply need to be alone in their own thoughts. My heart hurts the most when a kid is clearly struggling and their first instinct is to push me away. Although I know it is not about me, it is another reminder of an inability to truly do anything for them. But then again, it is a reoccuring theme and maybe that means something...

¨We come not to do, but to be¨- Rostro de Cristo 2006 -- This quote, which describes part of our mission in a prayer truly is a reminder that my helplessness is okay-be cause I did not come to change anything in specific, but I came to be...to learn...to walk with my human family. What I choose to do after with the knowledge and experience I am gaining will be a way fo me to perhaps advocate ore for my family and loved ones here.

What does my education mean? November 4, 2010

So last night for spirituality night we talked about education and how it fits into our experience here...if it does at all....if its prepared us, and what it all means! Below is my journal entry :

DePaul was my gateway. It´s mission opened my eyes to the reality of the world around me. Opened my eyes to a world outside of myself...so full of both suffering and joy. I was introduced to the social responsibility. To the idea of common good and human dignity. DePaul allowed me to realize that my actions always affect those around me--and my education is a driving force that can allow me to do good.

At DePaul I also realized that education spread outside the classroom. In terms of this experience in Ecuador, my actual education degree is invaluable---the tactics and ideas revolving around working with children and youth has aided in my ability to connect with the kids here. The multicultural urban aspect has given me the knowledge and patience to work with young people from tough backgrounds revolving around poverty, and recognize that their behaviors stem from somewhere. With that said, it was the knowledge I gained outside of the classroom that changed my world, my perspective and truly taight me something.

Human contact, conversations, and solidarity are where we are able to truly learn. Hands on experiences, followed by reflection is how I got to where I am right now. It was trhough VIA and service where I learned of my ability to do good and affect change. It was through these experiences when I learned of the true power of love and relationships. I learned I am not one to be able to judge--It is my job to hear the voices, stories, struggles and joys--then use the information to advocate for the seemingly voiceless....these are all things that I took from te values of St, Vincent DePaul...from the idea of action through simply being with and accompanying other.

I can sit here and say all this, yet it maks me wonder if everyone has these experiences---or if I was truly guided down this path by God. Education comes in so many forms. And what does this mean for the people here, where education is not seen in the same light? Does their reality defer them from taking action? Is that fair? Because even with my grade A education and numerous experiences, I have no idea what I can actually do for the people here--the people I have come to love. I am getting a whole other form of education here in Ecuador--and I am not payig a dime for it--yet I would not be here with out DePaul. I am not sure what it all means...for me, for my friends here....but I do know that I a here. I have an education--a formal and wonderful one at that--but I also will continue to learn and be inspired. Even if I cannot change the economic hardships and realities here, I can go forth and advocate--spread the information--open others eyes the way DePaul opened mine.

Ah! So where do I begin? I know its been 4 months without an update from me...but I want you all to know....that´s a good thing! I love my life here, and I am extremely busy!

Let me start from the beginning....I work two jobs each day--in the mornings I work Chicos de la Calle...it is a shelter that serves as a trade school for boys ages 11 to 18 who have lived, or are at risk of living and working on the streets. A lot of these boys come from extreme situations, and have had a lot of intense experiences in their short lives---abuse, neglect, etc. I serve as a mentor in the ¨taller¨which is the workshops where the boys are learning skills for carpentry and mechanics...and twice a week for 80 minutes I teach english to a seventh grade level class---where I have boys all between the ages of 13 and 18. I find SO much life from this work experience. I have been here for two months and the relationships I have built have been so special---there is a real beauty behind shared experiences, and the boys and I have had the opportunity to mess around, become friends, and begin to tell about our lives. With that said, this is an emotionally intense experience---but I leave each day so thankful for being placed at this work site. It has completely reiterated my passion to work with ¨at risk youth´¨ and I wake up each morning ready to go--with a genuine feeling of joy..something I hope to continue to have in my life. With that said, don´t get confused...there are days when I am near tears!! The boys are rough---they have so many layers and so many problems...their way to gain attention at times can be frustrating...they act out and can be disrespectful....but this is where my patience has been key. I constantly remind myself that behaviors stem from somewhere--and I need to listen to these behaviors and find a solution ( this is a big task that I am willing to take on). I find that most of my problems are during my english class--and this is because it is a transition for all of us--I spend a majority of my time in the workshop talking with the boys and building these friendships, and then I take on a completely different role as their teacher---the relationship can be easily confused by both them and myself. We are all slowly but surely learning to differentiate these roles and gain mutual understanding...but there are days when I leave the classroom truly questioning what I am doing there--and if I am even making a difference. Usually, on those days, my impact is reinforced by one of my most well behaved and respectful students---Danny Lopez---he is a brilliant 14 year old boy with the biggest heart....I am so thankful for him. Chicos is one place that has showed me the true power of love---so many of these boys do not fully understand the concept of being cared about---and they dont always see their own worht--but I have found that just my presence of caring and love is what they need. I cannot change their circumstances...I cannot change their past experiences...but I can show them that they are powerful, full of worth, and that people love them. I hope in doing so I can help to motivate them to choose a new path to take and positively move foward in their lives. I love them.

My second job is in an invasion communtiy, Veintiocho de Agosot---a n invasion, or growing community, that is on top of an old landfill...there is trash everywhere, and animals that feed on it---to keep the trash to minimum, the peopel there are constantly burning trash...which you can imagine bring about incredible health issues. In Veintiocho, I work with two other volunteers, Brendan and Tierny, and we run an after school program called Manos Abiertas (Open Hands). The after school program serves as a safe educational space for the kids in the community ages 4 to 15. Each day we have anywhere from 30 to 40 kids---we run a homework room, and then two separate activities, one for the older kids and one for the little kids. Education in Ecuador is more or less complete memorization---the kids here have little to no critical thinking skills...each week we work to plan education activities with math, english, geography, science etc . while trying to stimulate this crtitcal thinking skills----which can be extremely tough and frustrating. But enough about all that---let me tell you about THE KIDS. The kids at the program are so full of love and energy--they are completely needy---but wonderful. Due to the health issues in the area, most of the kids are malnourished, and they look 3 or 4 years younger than they actually are..for many of them..the bread, bannanas, and vitamins that we give out may be a substantial part of their meals each day-----along with that, their situation is so desperate, and it shows in their behavior. Sharing is rarely an option. Fighting is always the solution. Everything is territorial. This makes our job so much harder---but it is always the reason why our presence there is important...and the smiles that greet us as we walk up to the school...and the general excitment we are recieved with my the kids and their families is so moving....so welcoming....it makes this incredibly hard two hours of my day worth while. I had 2 weeks where I felt like working at Manos Abiertas was a mistake.... the kids were crazy and didn´t seem to liek us...nothing ran smoothly and the three of us left each day discouraged....but as time passed, and we all got through the transitional period, things got 100 times better ( that does not mean that there are no challenege s, because there are each day) Its amazing how much joy I get from little kids---they have such a genuine innocense...and especially here in Ecuador, such simple things bring them such great joy--it is so heartwarming. Their faces are already embedded on my heart.

I love each day here for its incredible beauty, heartbreaks, challenges and joys. I am know this is where I am supposed to be--which pushes me through even the hardest of days.

Tu hablas espanol?

So, I came here not really worrying about Spanish. I practiced a bit..I know the basics---i can differentiate tenses, I remember some basic vocab. No big deal.

Well panic has hit! I have been setting aside time everyday to practice my spanish in hopes that I will be able to effectively communicate once I get there. I think I am more worried of the unknown---I know how fast Ecuadorians speak, and I know I won't be able to catch all of what they say in the beginning...andddddddddddd it may take me a few minutes to whip up a response in spanish---but I'm focused on not being able to fully express myself and who I am to the people in the community.

You all know me..it's no surprise that I'm most eager to meet my neighbors, spend time with the children, learn about where I'll be working. So it should again be no real surprise when I tell you that I am worried about how to tell them who I am, what I love, how wonderful my family is..etc when my spanish is limited.

At the same time, I know I can efficiently work to practice and learn, so that I can verbally communicate all those things. For now, I have realized that I can use pictures and describe who I am even with few words. All of you reading this know that describing who you are...what our relationship is...our history together...welll--that can all be overwhelming. So maybe it's better that it will take me some time!!!

Love you all!

J.Mess

And....it's begins

So I planned on going to Ecuador...and I romanticized about the people I'll meet...the things I'll be working on---heck, I am going to change the world, right?!

WRONG! Reality has truly hit. Ecuador has so many structural problems that it would be impossible to change the problems of the entire country, nevermind the "barrio" of Duran that I'll be living in. Now, I don't want people to think that I am feeling defeated, or as though I have taken on a task that I cannot handle, but here are some of the realities of Ecuador..

1. Almost 50% of the country lives in poverty...about 65% live below the poverty line...and about 10% live in extreme poverty. Those stats in themselves are overwhelming...

2.Almost half the country is underemployed...and 15% are unemployed. Take that, and the idea that a family of 4 needs about $315 a month to live, and most families are making $250 a month. So jobs are hard to come by, and even those that fund jobs aren't making enough to feed their families. Now, whats the solution to that?

3. The country itself is $17 million International debt. WOOF!

4. Education: 24% of Ecuadorians who enter primary school do not reach 5th grade. "Public" schools are not really free...schools may higher two teachers for 200 students..... These schools than ask for "voluntary contributions"...if you don't make that contribution, you're not going to school. End of story. Sorry.

5. Children: Ecuadorian children bear the impact of poverty/migration. 23% of children have stunted growth. 12% of children ages 5-14 are effected by child labor. There are over 200,000 orphans. These numbers are unreal.

6. Health Care: So, it's government run...sounds great, right? WRONG. Medical care is free, but most public hospitals don't have any resources...so a man with a gunshot wound can come in for care, but if he doesn't have the supplies needed to take care of his wound, he's out of luck. The poorest in the country lack access to the options and means necessary to take care of themselves.

7. HIV/AIDS: If you look at documented cases...it shows there is only a 1% hiv/aids rate. But lets get real, the stigma is daunting. The prevalence has more than quadrupled since 2001. In the Guayas province, where I will be living, the stats are as follows: Cases- 71% and Deaths-83%

This is just some of the "beginning information" we received. So needless to say, there's a lot to hanlde. My optimistic "I am going to help create change in Ecuador in one year!" has totally been snapped back to reality.

Orientation and my community has grounded me, letting me know that we are a part of the process. Rostro de Cristo truly believes in walking side by side and and working with the community of Duran and Mt. Sinai. This is the true beauty of what I will be doing. Orientation has touched on the importance of building relationships, a--this is exactly what I love to do, and look forward to doing...the truth behind it is that it's all about BEING. As Americans we often don't take the time to be...we constantly do do do...I know I'm guilty of it.

Anyway, I am kind of rambling. My community mates are amazing--I am headed down there with 15 other people, and I will be living with 4 others, Tasha, Mark, Beth and Celso. We seem to get along really well, and I am excited to get to know them more. We will be living in Duran, in the Antonio Jose de Sucre neighborhood--this is the most developed neighborhood out of the three we work in. Rostro has had a strong presence there since 1994, and they have seen the community truly develop--they have an on-site daycare through Nuevo Mundo ( a partner organization), a majority of their roads are paved, they have a newly developed playground/soccer field. All things, which were not there when the program entered. I am so excited, because now that these changes have come over time, Rostro believes the community no longer is in need of our assistance, so we may be the last volunteers to live in the community. I am intrigued to see what that is like.


My Community Mates and I


We are currently one week away from heading down to Ecuador and I cannot wait. I have been on a roller coaster of emotions...I am at times filled with excitement, joy, nervousness, homesickness....ahh it's exhausting! But I am more than ready to take on this challenge. I am unsure about where exactly I will be working, but those details are to come once I get to Duran...here's a quick idea though--there is a new work site where I could potentially be working with young boys in a juvenile detention center (It's ok Mom and Dad, I'll be fine!!). Who knows though....I'll have to wait and see!

Love and miss you all! I'll carry you with me on my adventure---thanks for your love and support :)

-J.mess